So You Know

Heyyyy…..

Hi, sooo, been a minute, huh? Let’s pretend I wasn’t gone for the past two…plus… years. While we’re at it, let’s pretend I was never a wannabe Instagram story person or YouTube vlogger, or any of that since I have realized that blogging may still be my ideal platform despite all of my experimentation with other media. Gosh, self expression is cringe when you don’t really like yourself. Anyway, I’d say that’s off topic, but that’s pretty much the whole theme of this blog, since its inception. Speaking of, I would like to re-brand. This blog was already outdated when I started it my senior year of university, but now it’s almost unbearable.

Fearing self-improvement means losing myself

Anyway! What finally brought me back to the keyboard is the idea that I, ugh, so many ideas at once. Essentially it’s the fear of improving my life without any documentation? I suppose that’s it. I understand that life is cyclical and there will be good and bad days and all that cliché stuff. I have long periods of this. Particularly, I have noticed that physically I will go through long episodes of trying to work on my health and fitness and even longer periods of giving up and waiting for motivation to return. Whichever circumstance I find myself in though, I usually am not able to relate or, depending on how drastic the difference, am not able to even fathom how I got to where I am.

Probably the most shocking instance of this was when I was in therapy in university. I got to my peak state of mental health that I felt like a different person. I say that with sincerity, but not necessarily kindness. I felt so good that I could no longer relate to who I had been before shedding the anxiety and depression. I could not understand why I made my life so much more difficult than it had to be when I could not bring myself to ask for help for even the smallest things– and I mean small. Asking for a plastic bag after purchasing something even though at the time I write this is not an abnormal request in the slightest. (Hopefully it will become a strange request as technology advances or sustainability efforts become more common, but that’s a different post.)

Point is, there was such a disconnect and I was happy to have improved my mental health, but what scared me was that I started to think badly of who I had been. I felt silly at the best of times and downright resentful of who I was previously at the worst of times. I saw what I had spent literal years learning to do- advocating for myself, speaking up, asking for help- as something so easy (because it truly had become easy) that I had no respect for myself before I learned these healthy coping skills. Though, obviously, before the therapy and immense guidance to get me to that point, it would have been incredibly difficult to even think of a healthy way to deal with my issues!

Main topic? New Year’s?

As always, I realize that I have likely deviated vastly from the topic I came to put on electronic paper, but at least this time it is relevant, haha. Now what was it… Oh, yeah! Gosh, alright, only a slight tangent. I don’t know how you feel about New Year’s or New Year’s resolutions. I have made posts about this before and if you are a human being somewhere that has even heard of this holiday, you likely know it has become a huge joke. New Year’s resolutions are these hopeful aspirations that no one actually expects anyone to keep or accomplish.

Well… I read too many books as a kid. I still have dreams and/or delusions. (I wonder if my university roommate is reading this. Now that’s an unlikely scenario. She used to read my posts when we lived together and after we graduated, but I haven’t written in so long that’s a far fetched thought.) Okay, so, yes, dreams, delusions. I do believe. I believe in myself and in other people and I generally think that we as a human species have many flaws, but I was raised with a can do attitude. Thank you to the cultures I grew up with and all the positive influences, friendships, teachers, mentors, etc that I’ve had.

In fact, my favorite holiday is New Year’s. I kind of enjoy that this holiday doesn’t take itself seriously yet is full of aspirations and intentions for personal fulfilment. To that point, I’ll preface this (with all these asides, I wonder if “post-face” is a word) saying that I have had a healthy dose of two cultures, one of which is more family and community focused while the other is much more individualistic. I am grateful that I had both of those experiences since the result is that I do give a lot of myself to care for my loved ones and people in general, but I also accept that it is okay to strive for personal improvement and care for myself.

Aside aside, (not a typo) I get really excited for New Year’s and it feels joyful to have a couple days of reflection to think of who I had been during the past year and who I want to develop into in the following 12 months. I will admit that most years my goals are pretty common. Lose weight. Every year the reason is different. Sometimes it is purely self hate and disliking my reflection. Other years, I have a health scare that motivates me. Or heck, romantic interests that make me want to feel better about myself….so I can enjoy feeling better with them…. ah hem! Not that kind of blog post!

Graduating university, internship, and being an unemployed bum

This year is no different. I spent the past two years in survival mode. I got my first job of the career I went to university for a couple years ago. Very embarrassing to mention that I work as a dietitian with my whole life of weight and self-esteem issues. Much more embarrassing in person though, believe me. Ahh, regardless, big summary: after graduating high school, I went to university for four years, got my bachelor’s degree then spent a year in Puerto Rico to complete an internship (required to stand for the registration exam for dietetics), however fell into deep (albeit undiagnosed) PTSD.

…another quick(?) detour, I was one of those terrible people that wondered if PTSD was real or a big diagnosis for something completely normal. No. I feel for anyone with this kind of trauma response. It was indescribable. I will try my best. All I remember from those 6 months is sleeping 18 hours a day, on a good day at least, and not feeling real as I had nightmares while I slept and was pulled into unwanted memories I felt powerless in when I was awake. Being a shell of a person is completely accurate and if that sounds like flowery, overdramatic language to you, I am very happy for you. I hope you never feel what that is like.

Moving on, after six months of that, my friend from the internship (one of the least traumatic parts of that time) snapped me out of it enough to sign up for the registration exam for my profession. I was able to study (cram) for about two weeks and somehow passed the exam. Queue a year of job hunting and losing hope about ever moving out of my parent’s home. Out of the blue (seriously) I got a call about a job. I had put my resume on a job site and miraculously was invited to apply to a position 2-3 hours away from where my parent’s live.

First career job and asking a girl to move in two weeks after our first date

There’s much more to the story of getting that job after the phone call, but suffice it to say that I went from living in a suburb with my parents and brother outside of a large metropolitan area to what I can only describe as a very large town or very small city by myself. My (finally) first “real” job after university, my own one bedroom apartment, and seemingly my whole life ahead of me.

Except. I’d met a girl. I had our first date the weekend before I moved away. …and she moved in the second weekend in my new town. Yeah, can you tell I am impulsive at times? I don’t know what the logic was or if there was any logic at all to be honest with you. It really was more the feeling that this person would change my life. Didn’t know if for better or worse, I just knew I wanted this person with me. And she still is.

I tried not to complicate it and take things slow, be friends and all that…but that only lasted a few days officially…and a few hours unofficially… It took one week to officially ask her to be my girlfriend then I spent the next two years making a home with her. At the same time I was trained by two co-workers on how to be a dietitian. After a year one of them left for another job and then it was just me and my boss. Being such a small hospital, we rotated units and patient populations often to make sure everyone is able to cover in every zone.

I learned so much and despite the incredible stress, am so grateful for the experience. I worked general cardiac and orthopedic floors, but also got my hand in the worlds of geropsychiatry, NICU, COVID/respiratory (so many tube feeds), and general ICU. I became the outpatient coordinator and also acted as an outpatient and community dietitian and headed a research committee presenting to the head doctors/specialists of my (very small) hospital.

It was killing me though. I gained 50 pounds in that time. My doctor said I was heading towards a diagnosis of diabetes at this rate and, having a family history but feeling so fatalistic and powerless to make meaningful change in a town with only two hospitals in the entire region… I gave up. For various reasons, I was financially supporting myself, my girlfriend, her cat and later a stray kitten we adopted. All the while having moved away from any friends I had previously and my family. It was such a bittersweet time. I met some great people in that town, mentored some brilliant and/or fascinating students, and had so many amazing nostalgic memories. Yet my health (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, all of it) was suffering.

Moving on…or at least moving back in with my parents…with girlfriend and cats in tow

Eventually, I sent out an application to the hospital I had hoped years ago would have accepted me as an intern when I’d graduated university so I could have stayed in town with my family while finishing my studies. I sent this one application as a throwaway halfhearted attempt at returning to my hometown. And they offered me a job.

I really don’t know who is writing my life story. They must be a first time author because this it has been full of coincidences and one chance shots that in my opinion are just bad writing (and I would know about that!). Anyway, I moved after two years and a life in that little town. The interview process (3-4 interviews altogether) took about a month, but felt so sudden. We were never able to hire a replacement for the dietitian that had left a year prior to this, but, again, miraculously, two of our former interns (students who had spent a few weeks with us) applied and were available to fill that and my position as I left.

We moved. About six months before this post, my girlfriend, two cats, and myself moved. We meant to bring my closest friend in town with us and move into an apartment together, but due to financials the plan changed. She stayed to save money and the rest of us moved in with my parents to do the same. Can I say how gracious my family is to not only accept, but invite not just me, but my girlfriend and two cats to live in their home? More unbelievable things. The story of my coming out to my parents (LGBT, gay things) is another longer story. Needless to say, it was unexpected under normal circumstances, but much more having been told to never bring a girl home multiple times.

We were supposed to move out this month since my friend and I had agreed to a six month period to save money, but not everything can be novel perfect and financially things are still a struggle. Worse even. Mostly surprise vehicle/ health needs, but either way, my friend is still in that town and I am still in the garage my father converted into a tiny studio years ago.

It’s cozy. Has its own entrance and small yard. We share the kitchen and bathroom with the main house, but mostly it’s private and I even feel guilty multiple times per week knowing days may go by without seeing any of my family members. Wow. Is that a record tangent? I intended to write about New Year’s, haha.

Oh yeah, we were talking about New Year’s, right?

Alright, short (hopefully) return to topic. I want to improve many things about my life, but I know I am so far away from where I want to be that I do not want to get there some day in the far future and not know (or appreciate) how I got there and who I was when I was fighting every day to get there. I want to remember or at least have some sort of record of my journey there. I know it’s a bit hokey. I want to document the journey to my best self. Maybe I won’t ever read this again, but I doubt it.

I realize work is still stressful and time consuming. I am about six months into this new job with less sick patients and objectively less responsibilities, yet I feel so inadequate. I went from one co-worker to 19 co-workers. I feel so out of my league. My health concerns have returned, and I no longer have the intention to watch idly as I move closer to being as sick as my own patients. It’s cliché, but since January 1st of this year 2024, I have been working on myself.

Let this be the beginning of the record to show myself where I started if I find stability in better heath and lifestyle in the future or as a guide to myself (and/or others) should I fall and pick myself up again. Hopefully the next month update is not as unhinged, but the idea for general structure (if that exists in anything I write) will be week by week of what I worked on.

Weekly account of efforts in this new year

January 2024:

Week 1: Food logging– not sticking to a calorie goal or macronutrient (carbohydrate, protein, fat) goal. Just logging. Often went a thousand calories over my intended goal. My highest day was actually January 1st where I logged 3,704 calories consumed.

Week 2: Gym for strength training twice weekly goal– think I went once this week. My girlfriend and I found out our gym has a circuit of easy to use weight machines for beginners (we became members a couple months after we moved, so about 4-5 months ago). We had been going pretty inconsistently previously, but did enjoy it. It just was not a priority.

Week 3: Breakfast– ended up waking up earlier for this. Exhausted because I was not sleeping much earlier to compensate. Average 6 hours of sleep, but I began to use a sunlight alarm I can turn off from bed and moved my phone to a table I have to sit up to get to. As soon as I turn the phone alarm off (which is also a sunlight alarm plus an audio alarm) my phone tells me the time, weather, and opens my favorite music app. I choose a song and listen to at least one (or two when I was extra tired) until I either feel awake enough or, more often, simply awake enough to feel like I have to pee. That gets me out of bed to the bathroom where I finish waking up with the light, cold, and then have everything laid out to put my contacts on, brush my teeth, and style my hair before going to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Week 4: Lunches– Essentially the same as the past week, except cooking both breakfast and lunch (and packing it in my and my girlfriend’s lunch boxes) and meal planning on the weekend prior (using a spreadsheet I made with drop downs of different food groups and target goals per meal which I calculated years ago on previous attempts to improve my diet). I have not been early to work once, but I found out cooking is not as stressful and is enjoyable when I have the whole kitchen to myself and no pressure to serve a lavish meal (which is basically anything expect breakfast in my mind). I have really enjoyed bringing my girlfriend breakfast in bed and watching her sleepy face wake up. I love having that down time after cooking to spend a few minutes with her. I feel accomplished early and sets up my day for success.

Also, I mentioned my health concerns to my work buddy who was motivated to actually set up the workouts we had previously only talked about at her apartment gym. Goal for two mainly cardio workouts with my work buddy. We went once this week to do 20 minutes on the treadmill and follow an online workout/ some moves with light weights.

Week 5: Dinners- intended goal for next week. I have to figure out the schedule/time to cook, though I want to keep cooking at 6:30am. That’s been quite peaceful and satisfying.

Also ended up taking a few minutes this past week in the morning to wash dishes and tidy the room before going to work. These little moments of maintenance make me happy and feel put together and encourage me to keep going, so I definitely intend on continuing this.

Okay, that’s it for now. Hopefully I come back sometime next month to update you all. Otherwise I see another one of these monster update posts in your (distant) future. As always, if you made it to the end of this ginormous pile of word vomit, thank you, and why do you do this to yourself???