So You Know

Sunday, August 24th 2025

It’s been a while since I wrote weekly or daily blogs here. …it’s been a while since I’ve written any blogs on here. Wow. I took a pause to read the latest blogs. Boy do y’all need a couple catch up blogs. From March to the end of August so much has happened yet not much has.

Anyway, on my side of things right now, I went to my first psychiatry appointment a couple days ago. I had made the appointment a week prior but when I arrived (after knocking loudly as instructed on the door that was labeled as their office according to the directory for ten minutes until my phone cooled down from being overheated and I was able to call their office phone), they did not have me on the schedule. They did manage to squeeze me in, which I still don’t know if it was for the best or the worst. I was asked rapid fire yes or no questions about the symptoms I was experiencing and told to do a myriad of things to help with my mental state. I was not diagnosed with anything, but I was told I scored moderate to severe depression on the screening tool I’d filled out and was prescribed medications to help with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I was told that because I was “medication naive and medication hesitant” that a mood stabilizer would be prescribed at a later date. I was sent an email with no message, only two books (a dialectical therapy skills workbook and another titled “overcoming depression”). I have a follow up scheduled in a month.

I have been complaining about that visit ever since. Talking about it out loud to my work buddies (we had a hangout scheduled right after that hell of a visit) and to Nat on the phone, I decided not to pick up the prescription medications. I have reached out to the other psychiatry office my therapy clinic referred me to for a second opinion. I also made a list of all the lifestyle changes that psychiatric nurse (no, I didn’t even meet with a psychiatrist) essentially said would fix my life. This was bombarded at me without asking what my baseline is (except sleep). I did explain that I have been going to therapy on and off for the past ten years and am aware of how helpful these things are because they have helped me in the past. I mentioned my ongoing efforts to include these habits but how so far it has not been possible to do all of them at once. I was told to try going on walks. I am training for a triathlon. Did well for three weeks but the past two weeks have gotten so much worse mentally that I decided to pause my training.

Well. While I wait for the other psychiatry office, I am focusing on the life advice I got. I know I could be doing more to help myself. It’s been a horrible cycle of being aware of everything I could be doing for myself to dig myself out of this hole, yet feeling like I can’t do any of it, much less all of it. I’ve been trying to give myself grace and go slow. I have a tendency to go 0 to 100 and then stop for months or years on these kinds of helpful habits. But I am now fueled by spite. I will do all of the things I was suggested. Without medication. If it does in fact fix my life, great. If I finally have the psychotic break I’ve felt pending most of my life, maybe better. Maybe then I’ll stop feeling like I’m making up my mental suffering.

Exercise

I made a digital daily/weekly to do list for all of the habits I will mention, but starting with exercise, I re-started triathlon training (today was an indoor 40 minute bike ride). Signed up for the shortest distance (super sprint; 200m indoor swim, 4.5 mile bike ride, and 2 mile run) set in March of next year. Also going to do 15 minute office workouts after seeing patients for the day (talking to people all day really flares up my social anxiety).

Nutrition

I continue to get meal kits weekly but I also made a plan for breakfasts and lunches to get me through the entire week with nutritious options. I went grocery shopping today and stocked up on healthy snacks and quick, frozen, microwaveable breakfast/lunch options (to cut back on eating out which was typically not how I coped, usually it was just over snacking not overeating meals or excessive fast food meals)

I started food logging which I plan to do daily (over by 480 calories today, but I logged everything).

Sunlight

I already get sunlight at least five days per week when I walk to work from the parking lot (5-10 minutes there and back after work if I don’t stay too late). Might plan to do workouts outside instead of using home equipment or the gym on weekends to make sure I get at least a few minutes of sunlight daily. Or I may just meditate outside on weekends (on my patio).

Meditating

Did my favorite morning meditation that I plan to do for at least the next couple of weeks (before branching out and trying a different meditation every morning).

Box breathing

Box breathing whenever I feel overwhelmed or having a full on panic attack. Got to practice that both today and yesterday, yay.

Sleep

I set a goal to get in bed by 10:30pm and wake from 5:30 to 6am. I have a smart alarm on my Garmin watch that will wake me in the best time window according to my sleep cycle. I have historically thrived on 7 hours of sleep, so I initially am aiming for this.

Vitamins

This is my own addition. As the psychiatry nurse said in a surprised tone when I mentioned I work as a dietitian “oh so you’re educated” and later when I said I am still able to drag myself out of bed for work every day “oh, so you’re responsible”. Anyway, I set a goal of taking my vitamins daily (I have pills at work and gummies at home for incentive if I forget or just don’t take them at work). I have been deficient in iron, vitamin B12, and vitamin D in the recent past, all of which have some effect on fatigue and/or mood.

Drinking water

Again, my own addition (really part of nutrition, but specifically hydration). Goal of 2L daily to start or just clear to light yellow urine throughout the day. I’ve started just taking a backpack with 1-2 gallons of water weekly to keep under my desk at work (I let my anxiety prevent me from getting water at the cafeteria just down the stairs from my office).

Mindful eating

Current goal is to eat one thing/meal mindfully per day (pausing, no distractions, focusing on meal and all sensations, taste, touch, smell, texture of food, etc.). I did this with strawberry cheesecake ice cream today. It was so creamy, and the graham cracker pieces had great mouthfeel. Could even taste the subtle butter mixed in with the graham cracker crumbs.

Journaling

Here it is. Starting daily blogs again.

There are so many other things that I know would also help. Personal hygiene, tidying my living space, working on my relationship with my family etc. But the above were what that nurse mentioned and I’m petty so we’re starting with those and sprinkling in the rest as I am able. Again, if it fixes my life or implodes it, I don’t know and don’t really care.

I did all of the things I set out to do today except for get to bed on time (or bonus, shower). Tomorrow, I have my first day with an intern. I’m supposed to be a good role model/mentor as a professional in the nutrition field for my interns (of which I have 3 total this year). I just hope I make it through the day without having a panic attack in front of the student. It was a last-minute assignment though and while I typically lighten up the week in preparation of being observed all day (and explaining/chatting with the students I am assigned) I was not able to do that.

So, I have a full work schedule and a cooking demo this week. Not to mention I have to pick up my parents and brother from the airport, take my mom to two medical appointments, go to therapy, attend a pool party with close friends, and catch my own flight. I don’t know how I will get through this week. But that’s been the case for the last few years, so nothing new. All I know is it won’t be by drinking an entire pot of coffee by myself. That just have me a headache yesterday and made it so I tossed and turned for over an hour (only reason I know that is because a guided meditation for sleep I tried was an hour and seven minutes long and I didn’t fall asleep until after that ended and I’d already listened to several songs trying to get lulled to sleep before that too).

Anyway, gotta start these blog entries earlier in the evening. Good night. Signing off at 1:08am. Gotta leave for work at 6:30am tom— today. great.