So You Know

Written the last week of March 2025

I know the previous post is probably the longest I have ever written already. I worked on writing it for a couple days then editing for 2-3 days (since I kept remembering details I wanted to include) until finally reading it aloud. It wasn’t until I read it aloud that I realized how largely negative that post seemed. The week was long and there were many memorable parts. Here’s another story I had not yet included.

When I returned from work one day, I asked Nat what they wanted to do or where they wanted to go. They asked me why I was so focused on going out. That they wished to welcome me into relaxation at home. They wished to provide comfort for me after a long day at work and did not expect to be wined and dined while they were here. I was anxious. I wanted them to enjoy their week in Dallas. I wanted to take full benefit of them being here for a change and go explore and do all the things we did not do when I went to visit them in a small east Texas town. I said this and later that day they sent me a meme about the one person making a billion plans and the other suggesting to stay home and both being relieved. This is true and often our pattern. I over prepare but am more than happy to stay home.

Maybe it sounds like a small moment, but this is one I see repeatedly with Nat. They love being this chaotic force that crash landed into my life, yet their actions show that all they want is the best for me. That is why I was so devastated when they broke up with me all those months ago. All of the people I have dated have shown they wish the best for me, but so far, none have been willing to be the best versions of themselves for me. For themselves even! I truly believed Nat would be the one to cross that barrier. I have heard so many stories about their life and I admire the tenacity they have had to continue living. Apart from the fact that it’s just amazing to hear someone happy, that might be part of the reason I love their laugh so much. It feels like a triumph over all the hardships they have gone through that they can still invite such pure joy into their life and that they share it with me.

Purpose in Life

It means the world that after the break up I have seen them more committed to their personal growth. I was so lost after the break up. I did the opposite. If it wasn’t for the pile of books they loaned me the week after we broke up, I don’t know what I would have done to fill my empty days. Even so, many of those books were about philosophy and finding meaning in one’s life and reading that left me feeling so empty. I realized that for the past 3-4 years I had been striving to build a life with Ivy then with Nat. That was my purpose. To have and hold and nothing more.

I don’t think that is a terrible purpose to have, but I realized how little more I had worked for once I didn’t have it. I started trying to better myself in the ways I knew. I started focusing on eating better and exercising and getting more sleep and socializing with others, especially people I did not have a romantic history with. I may have overdone it because it burnt me out pretty quick. Last therapy session, my therapist asked me to be conscious of where I was putting in my energy and I realized I’d crept back to prioritizing Nat and Ivy again. Yes, I was talking to more people and making an effort to build or re-build relationships but time and time again I saw how Ivy and Nat are the people I feel most comfortable with. The ones who are most responsive the moment I need them or at least I feel like I need them.

I have been or felt alone most of my life. It is not a comfortable feeling, but a familiar one. I know I would be okay if I no longer had Nat or Ivy in my life, but I also know they are my main support system and not for lack of trying with other friends. I just came back from a week in Mexico with my dad. We spoke about my immediate family’s lack of communication, and he wished aloud for us to be more united. This would be great, though I admit that I have not made my family a priority for years, beyond the four years since I met Ivy. It’s a strange time for me. Going forward, I would like to put myself first. No matter who I am close to, I hardly ever truly put myself first. I want this to be balanced with work and family and friends.

Not sure how I will make that happen, but maybe by combining some of these needs or desires of mine. Going to my brother once per week and inviting him to choose a recipe for us to make as a family (or for me to make and at least have him try it). Picking a day to go to the recreation center and inviting both him and my mom to go. Once a month planning a family outing whether it is to a movie (they do sometimes have movies dubbed in Spanish showing at theatres near me) or out to eat. I usually avoid going anywhere with my mom, dad, and brother as there’s usually more than a couple arguments before we even get to our destination… but maybe with repeat exposures….maybe if I drive us (since my family is spooked by my dad’s driving) and I facilitate…maybe it can be better.

I have done this before. Years ago, when I was single and my only goal was to pass my dietetic licensure exam. I would plan out meals with my family and go to the gym with them. At that time, I even went to American sign language classes with my brother at the local college. It was a good few months. After passing my exam I met Ivy. We spent a lot of long-distance time chatting together and a few months later when I got my first job offer and went to live in my own apartment my priorities shifted entirely to my new nuclear family: Ivy, her cat, and me.

Reality

I may not love being an adult with my own career, newly single, still figuring out their place in the world while feeling stuck financially due to medical and car repair bills meaning that for the time being I continue to live with my mom, dad, and brother, but that is the situation I am in. Yes, I see everything in life as an opportunity and I did seriously consider moving with Nat. Heck, I called up a work friend a day or two after the original offer from Nat manically talking about how it was crazy but that I would love to accept the offer. After this week however, it feels like I have more to do here. After a week of being in a rural house with my dad, I mean. I have not prioritized my family and while I do wish I could run away and live my own life right here and now, maybe it’s a good thing to decide not to. Nat has some things to learn about living on their own and I have several to learn about living with my family and living for myself.

Last thing, I promise. While most of the memories I wrote about during that week with Nat ended up being slightly concerning, most of the time I did not talk about was me cuddling with Nat while watching a show or sitting on the porch with them chatting about things big and small. It’s boring to write about. Heck, it’s boring to talk about comfort with a person since it’s a feeling not much of an activity to describe. We all feel and express love differently and I find that the people who have not described a similar love and care do not value it as much as I do.

Things I Love about Nat

Nat exudes calm reassuring energy and naturally balances out my nervous energy. We fit well together. I enjoy how they carry themselves and who they are with me. Those are things I tried and failed to describe to others when Ivy and I were together and loved ones insisted I break up with her. With Nat, it’s odd. Nat does not bend over backwards to please me. They are firmly who they are, un-mold-able and I respect it. They take the time to understand my point of view and they are so patient and kind with me whenever I am going through a tough time emotionally. I feel a sense of safety and being taken care of that I have never felt with anyone else before. Again, I have accepted that their presence in my life does not necessarily have to be romantic, but whatever we end up being for each other, it is intimate.

Since I first looked into their eyes, I felt my soul embrace theirs in an explosion of light and color and they have felt bonded to me ever since. Wherever we go in life, this or the next, I feel them with me. Wow… I would never have guessed I would speak about someone in this way. Most of my life I have known myself to be firmly rooted in reality. Ivy opened the door to me believing in the mysticism of love. Nat exploded the entire dwelling of my remaining doubt.  Not just regarding love either! There is something invisible that draws me to Nat. Maybe someday that will loosen its grip. I am still the same pessimist I have always been after all. Heck that’s something I also feel at home with Nat. We can both be quite cynical, yet are both big softies at heart who care about our fellow human. I truly feel as if I found my mirror. A better version in some ways and worse in others.

They once wished aloud to be merged with me in mind and thought. I was immediately appalled. I did not want this and I judged and doubted how much I cared for Nat because of that. Was that not what marriage was? Or at least what I was taught it was, growing up: a merging of two souls into one. I still have doubts and questions. A big one I have on love is the longevity of it. I have come to the conclusion that it isn’t the length of the relationship that matters, but the love that was had within it.

I Loved Ivy, still do, but it is different

I loved Ivy with all of my heart. We made such a wonderful home in those two years isolated in a small east Texas town. There were many rough days and she was the first person I fell asleep to while crying on her shoulder. I processed a lot crying on her shoulder and I will forever be grateful for those two good years, though especially for the first 9 months of novelty and adventure, learning to live and relate to a significant other while sharing a home. Just because it ended does not mean it was not real love. We still have a lot of love for each other and I admit I question why I broke up with her often times. She continues to do everything she can for me.

Did I really break up with her because I felt stuck and did not believe I was capable of improving my self and my life with her love and care keeping me afloat? Yes, but it was more than that. I have always wanted an equal as a partner. Someone who also works and cleans, provides and cares for the home as much as me. Ivy worked two jobs for a few months but otherwise, most of the time we had been together she was either unemployed or worked a part time job. I put a lot of weight on this as far as my reason to break up with her, but like I told her 9 months into living together when she still did not have a job, it was not the lack of employment that bothered me. It was the lack of effort. It was the lack of worry. It was her comfort with me providing financially for so long.

 When we lived in the apartment together she would do more cleaning and cooking except when she was depressed, which was often. I have empathy for that as I was often depressed too. I know we all have different levels of life we can handle. I want someone closer to my level. Someone who is able to keep themselves afloat. Even now in my deeper depressions I worry I will cross that border and not be able to do the bare minimum for myself. That I will go insane and stop being able to function.

I went through a particularly insidious period with depression and PTSD after my internship. It took time but eventually I stopped sleeping 18 hours per day and stopped having waking nightmares and picked myself up. I began to volunteer and cook and go to the gym. I realized, having nothing, that I wanted to make something of my life. I had that drive. I want someone with drive. I see sparks of it with Nat. I also see a lot of darkness and sadness. Which again, I have a lot of myself, so I still have hope. Maybe they are not the match I seek. Maybe what I seek is not what I need. That is something I struggled with the entire 8 months Nat and I were together. I knew Ivy was what I wanted. She was (is) comfort. But I felt that Nat was what I needed. Sometimes it was uncomfortable to be told the truth and for them to encourage me with reality, but it is something I ultimately like and respect. I want to know what is actually on someone’s mind and I don’t like beating around the bush.

Equality in Relationships and Hope for the Future

Last thing for real? I don’t even believe myself anymore! When I told Nat sometime the week I wrote about in the previous post that I was looking for an equal they said they had heard somewhere that all relationships were inherently unequal, but that the best ones are the ones that are 60/40 and both people are trying to be the 60. I had never thought of it that way and I think it is beautiful. Ultimately, that is what I want. I want to be with someone that puts in the effort. That wants to build a life with me as much as I do with them. That I can communicate with freely but don’t feel like a site inspector giving out orders to make it through the day.

Nat moving and building a life and career for themselves is that. Whether we end up together or not, I am so proud of the choices they are making and the life they are pursuing. I hope to someday join them when I feel stable enough too (financially and with my family). But if that does not happen, that will be okay too. I know we will continue to support each other to do what is best for each other.

Though by the end of the trip, my dad did express wanting to get to know Nat and posited that if Nat showed themselves to be a good friend and have a stable career, who knows, maybe dating would be a natural choice a year or more down the road. This is unheard of for my father. He has not been open to me dating anyone. No one has ever been good enough for me according to him. Which….two of the people I dated were essentially unemployed and the other worked as a supermarket cart pusher while I was in university…. yeah, fair point. My dad isn’t saying Nat is “good enough” for me now and I agree that neither Nat and I are in a place to be together right now. Nat agrees with this as well. It’s strange but nice that all three of us are on the same page. That it would be nice to have Nat as a partner, but that it’s best not to rush into this.

It’s so strange how all of this happened, but I am so happy it did. From deciding to be a couple, to breaking up, to forging ahead single but as friends with Nat. A lot will change when they (finally) move to Tennessee but I am excited for this new phase of life, for the both of us, together or apart. I am happy to let what will be be.