So You Know

Originally written the first week of March 2025

Once again, it has been way too long. Sooo, last we left off in the mess that is my life, I had become physically involved with both of my exes. That was about 3 months ago as I write this now. Place your bets with what happened after that!

Let’s start with Ivy. The breakup with her was back in spring of 2024, but seeing as she was working a part time job (5-10 hours every week or two) and had no savings to fall back on, I agreed to continue living together until 2025. About 9 months of being roommates with an ex was confusing enough but it didn’t help that for 8 of those months I was in a long-distance relationship with Nat (they/them). Nat and I broke up in November of 2024. After the weekend I described in my last post, things continued physically a bit with both of my exes, but with Ivy it was much milder. More boundaries set and I was intentional about not going too far.

My experiences with Poly versus Monogamous relationships

I have been in poly relationships and at this time I was not in a romantic relationship with either of them so it’s not like that was a factor in my decision with how physical to be with either of them, but I think there are levels to it. In the past, I have felt the desire to be with one person. Not just physically but emotionally too. I’ve felt that curiosity with a person and wished to develop it to the point that I just was not interested in knowing others in a similar way. Not as a rule, but a true disinterest because I was satisfied in knowing the person I was involved with.

The first time I felt that was at least 5 years ago with Chance. Since then, it’s been a bit different. With Ivy, I was very much interested in exploring other relationships emotionally and physically. This is something she and I discussed and at times participated in together though sometimes it was separate. I was very grateful to have an outlet and get to know people who could help me better meet certain needs that did not feel fulfilled or that simply benefited from being enhanced in my main relationship at that time with Ivy.

In fact, Nat and I started getting to know each other while Ivy and I were together, and she was nothing but supportive. It’s been a strange ride. Both Nat and I were in poly relationships when we started talking. Yet, when all of those relationships broke up Nat and I discussed it and decided to be monogamous. That was quite the adjustment especially with my ex living with me during our entire long distance relationship. There were so many moments I was torn between standing my ground and defending the time Ivy and I spent together since a lot of what we would do could be seen as romantic or platonic.

Post breakup with Nat… I do see things more from their side. It wasn’t just the hanging out. The living situation. The flirting. The doubt regarding breaking up with Ivy. Even now there’s some of all of this. Except living together!

New Year’s is my favorite holiday, so I had asked her to spend the holiday apart and for her to have moved out by the time I returned in the new year. She did. She found a couple of kind guys who agreed to take her in knowing the situation (likely not able to contribute to the rent).

Relationship with Nat since breaking up

On move out week, I spent it at Nat’s place. It was so different. The last time I had spent a week with them it felt more like a punishment than a vacation. We did the exact same things we usually do, played video games, watch shows/movies, chat on the porch, and read but it was so different. This time it was me thinking “what more can someone want”. (When we were together it had been Nat saying that and me horrified that there was nothing more than that.) This time I felt peace instead of stifling discomfort. It felt right. I’m sure it helped that there were two main objectives (cleaning and learning to play Halo) but I think it was more than that. This was the first time Nat and I spent more than a couple days together since the breakup. It felt natural and mutually desired (our company, I mean). At some point in our previous relationship, spending time together while in person or apart began to feel more like obligation than something I was consciously wanting to do.

Two months since then I do worry about old patterns repeating. Soon after the breakup I felt confident and reassured that we texted and talked because we wanted to without a doubt since at that point, we had no reason to care about each other, we were broken up. But now… maybe it’s silly, but it’s starting to feel like a given again. We have expressed that we still love each other and still want to build a life together someday. Post breakup, I actually got to the point where I was relieved not to have that kind of pressure or plans. I was comfortable being single and no longer worrying about my actions and how they would affect another person in the present (such as with jealously) or in the future (such as with bigger decisions like career/finances).

Maybe it’s messed up, but I’m looking forward to spending a week in Mexico with minimal internet access where I can get away from my life here. Get away from everything and everyone. Re-center with myself and find out how I actually feel alone. At least for a week. I worry about relying on others too much, especially close friends and relationships. Both Nat and Ivy are very reassuring that I do not ask for too much, but I can’t shake the desire to be independent and figure things out on my own especially with both of them given we are broken up.

Long Distance Friendship with Nat

I was also looking forward to Nat moving. They have been planning on moving to Tennesse since November of last year, but now it is March and this is still in the works. Since we broke up, I have been driving the ~3 hours to see them (and ~3 hours back) every other weekend. I end up enjoying my time whenever I go see them, but when I get back my heart feels heavy and empty. I’m tiring of having my heart in two places. When we were together, Nat would alternate doing the travel. They would visit me in Dallas, but since the breakup I’ve accepted it’s better to meet up in East Texas where they live with their mother.

Their mother is so kind and welcoming even after the breakup. While my family has given Nat the cold shoulder even when we were together. My dad told me not to invite people like them around the house (people with tattoos and piercings were the examples he gave). My mom, who is usually very warm and interested in anyone I invite over, has essentially ignored Nat and refuses to talk to or about them. Frankly, it makes me angry. Yes, the relationship with Nat has had its ups and downs but my parents don’t even know any of the details. All they know is what they assume, and it enrages me that they don’t treat Nat with the basic human decency of even acknowledging their existence.

Anyway, so yes, I don’t like driving, but I will continue to travel to see Nat as long as my parents continue to act like children. We are planning on trying a week with Nat here in Dallas starting this Friday though. I’m very nervous about that since I’ll be working Monday to Friday but at the very least the week will start with two and a half days of me being home for the weekend. Why try? I want to see what it is like to come home to Nat.

I worry that because we have known each other mostly living in different cities it would be too much of an adjustment to someday live together. Yes, I have spent a week at Nat’s place, but they do not work at this time. It’s a different dynamic. I know it isn’t the best trial given that I live with my parents at this time, but…. I also really miss Nat. I want a week with them before they move over ten hours away by car. Once they move, I don’t expect to see them more than every 3 months or so.

The desire to be truly alone

I go back and fourth. Part of me wants to go full no contact (even after the breakup I think our record has been maybe 48 hours that we have not made contact). Part of me wants to experience being fully alone again. Not having a support person when I’m having a bad day or a go to person to hang out with. I don’t know why this is such a big deal to me. Maybe the hyper independence thing. The breakup was so painful. I believed every magical fate addled dream we had… then all of that was shattered.

Knowing how we could have so much love for each other and have that not be enough to the point where we broke up has left me rattled. I find it hard to believe in a future with them again. I don’t want to be left sobbing for a week again barely able to keep down any food because I felt so hollow. I don’t want to give them the power to hurt me like that ever again.

And yet!

They invited me to move to Tennesse with them.

I am so conflicted.

Turning Tables?

They offered to help me financially even. It’s not something I ever expected from anyone. I know we are both nonbinary, but even before thinking of a future with them, I have wanted to find an equal partner. Financially, emotionally, domestically, etc. I am very uncomfortable and yes, I feel emasculated at the thought of being provided for. For the entire time Ivy and I were together (and even for the time after we broke up but were still living together) I was the main financial contributor. Before that relationship it wasn’t that serious. I wasn’t living with anyone and on dates I’d insist on splitting or alternating who paid.

I don’t know what to do with Nat’s offer. I want to live with them. We both worry it’s a big change that might affect the longevity of our connection. I would actually be living with both Nat and their sister in a two-bedroom apartment if I accepted. That’s another factor I do worry about. I’m a decent roommate, but not only would I be learning how Nat and I fit living together sharing a room I would also be learning to relate in a home environment with their sister.

Plus there’s the financial factor. Nat has been unemployed most of the time that I have known them while I have been working in my career, however! I have debts (student loans, credit card, car loan) while Nat does not. Though they seem much too unbothered by my debts, I am so uncomfortable at the thought of moving and being in the same place financially even with me planning to continue working in my career. I believe it is ideal to talk and share finances to an extent amongst married couples, but Nat and I are not even in a committed relationship anymore. My brain is mush.

Best case scenario?

Their apprenticeship program will be at least 9 months and the lease on the apartment I imagine would be for a year. Currently the plan I think makes the most sense would be to take on travel work in my career. This would mean I would have to go back to working inpatient though I have found working outpatient to be much better for my stress levels and mental health. The thing is, if I work as a travel dietitian, I would get my housing covered and still get paid roughly double what I am paid now, but I would have to move to a new place (and essentially start a whole new job) every three months or so.

As far as seeing Nat, it would continue to be long distance with them visiting where I am traveling if they have time off from their apprenticeship or me visiting/living with them between work assignments. I am not excited about the work, however it makes sense to me financially and domestically. It would be me learning to be on my own again. I have only lived for a week on my own (before I invited Ivy to live with me at my first apartment). I want that experience before possibly setting down. I also want to help myself with my debts and be more financially stable before accepting help from Nat or trying to build a life together.

Maybe this is all wishful thinking.

I can’t imagine how long this post is already. For all I know I might just stay here, continue to work my outpatient job, slowly slugging through my debts while working a second weekend job and either eventually move in with Nat or fade away from our lives… Nat assures me it won’t be the second one, but you never know. I’m afraid to love and want someone as much as I do Nat.

Ahhh, I don’t think writing helped me realize anything I wasn’t already aware of, but here you go. These are the main updates from the last three months. Hope you enjoyed?