So You Know

Alright, my friends. Being self aware does not make you immune from making unwise choices. I may have complicated things a little. Not really though?? Ahh, strap in.

The Leadup

So last Friday, I was feeling a little locked in. I had felt much better immediately after seeing Nat (they/them) the weekend after we broke up since we interacted like normal friends and it helped so much. But a week after, as I was making my way through the books they lent me I was starting to enter a bit of despair. A couple of the books they lent me were philosophical in nature “what’s the meaning of life” kind of books (The Stranger and The Alchemist). The Alchemist in particular gutted me. I was recently post break up no longer working or aspiring to building a life with Nat and I read that. Gosh. The whole premise of the story essentially is about following your calling in life and it made it pretty evident to me that I do not have anything I am looking forward to in life at the moment.

I didn’t take this well. Got dragged into a deep and sudden depression. All I did was read and work that second week. Sooo… by the time Friday rolled around (a day before I had told Nat I would drive out to visit again, two weeks after our last hang out) I was a little stir crazy.

Time with my Ex Ivy

I asked my roommate/ex of 9 months/friend Ivy (she/her) if she would like to go to Chilli’s to eat some mozzarella sticks or maybe some soup. I’ve really been on a soup kick lately. She says yes. We eat yummy fried cheese sticks and fries for good measure. I also order a drink. My first drink of alcohol since the week before Nat and I broke up (maybe a whole month before this day) when I somehow managed to get blackout drunk twice in the span of five days.

Ivy brings up looking at Christmas lights. I find a place they have lights that are free but it’s across town. We make the drive, walk around, sit on a bench with hot cocoa, watch the pretty lights…. I get us a ride on a horse drawn carriage. Hey!! Neither of us had ever been on one and the opportunity was there! Don’t judge me for doing this with my ex…. judge me for doing my ex later that night.

Yeahhh, I saw a cute thing on social media of a couple cuddling and well….I invited her into my little futon couch (I got a loft bed after we broke up so she stays on the top bunk and I have been staying on the futon section). Since it’s usually just me on the futon it was still converted as a couch, so imagine me and my ex very close to each other cuddling on, essentially a twin bed. We fell asleep. The temptation arose when I woke up to her leisurely caressing my rib cage. Up and around her fingers roamed, dangerously close to my breast. My heart was pounding out of my skin as I realized I wanted this.

Since the breakup with Nat, I had sworn off any kind of physical desire. Honestly my initial feeling was relief to not have a physical relationship to stress about. I felt numb or even slightly repulsed by this kind of stuff… until this moment. Sure Ivy and I have had sexual tension before, even after our breakup, but this was so overwhelming. I begged her with my eyes. She asked if it was okay. I nodded feverishly. And that’s how it happened. It was great.

Afterwards we sat on the actual couch in the room and chatted. I made it clear that it had not changed anything for me. We were still broken up and, if anything, it was (at least on my side) just getting it out of my system. She said she understood. By this time it was pretty late. Maybe 2 or 3am. We went to sleep, in separate beds as usual.

She had mentioned going to do a card trade in the morning when the card shop opened at 11am (she plays Magic the Gathering) and I told her to go ahead and take my SUV even though she was running behind (it was 11:30am or noon when she left the house). I have the SUV and my family’s car available for use but whenever possible I prefer she drive the SUV as it is my personal vehicle. However, the car had been needing some work done, so I was planning on taking the SUV to Nat’s place (who lives ~3 hours away). I planned to make them chicken noodle soup since they mentioned being sick, so I told Ivy to take the SUV in the meantime as I anticipated the soup would take a while. The card shop is 30-45 minutes away and she said it was a trade she was going for. I didn’t expect her to be long.

I made the soup. Chatted with my parents. About 4PM Ivy strolls back in. I am upset. The sun is going to set in an hour and it is raining. I had planned to leave by 1-2PM at latest. I drive to Nat’s place. As I was cooking the soup Nat was texting me and brought up the desire to be physical but asked how I felt about it. I respond that our friendship does not need it. As it was, when we were together the physical was a big part of our time together and we both got to the conclusion that we would benefit from holding off for a bit. I also mention that this is my stance 300 miles away and that I have had successful friends with benefits situations therefore I was open to it. I do also mention how much I enjoyed the last visit where there was no physical aspect to worry about.

Time with my Ex Nat

When I arrive we chat, I ask if they have had sex with anyone since our breakup a month ago since I am not on board for contracting any kind of STD. They say no. They ask me. I tell them about the night before with Ivy. I was expecting disgust or shock, but they didn’t even seem surprised or off put.

We have a bottled margarita each and start to watch a movie. They invite me to cuddle. Their hand brushes against me. It is ice cold. I mention this. They warm up their hand against my apparently very warm cheeks. I tell them not to be homophobic and take their hand in mine. A bro can warm another bro’s hand. It’s not gay. We are both non-binary, by the way if you are new. Once it is warm I let go. We continue watching the movie. It’s clear to me that they want more, but are holding back out of respect. I enjoy this new dynamic. Them waiting on me. Me in control.

I enjoyed the opposite dynamic as well when we were together. Very much. But like I said, this was new and much appreciated. And that was the first night with Nat. Three movies and many struggle cuddles later we cuddled throughout the night to wake up for one last struggle cuddle. Nat had wanted to go out the night before, maybe to a bar or mutual person’s place, but then changed their mind about the bar and mutual person didn’t reply until after midnight.

The next day we went to mutual person’s place for a game of Magic the Gathering. This mutual person was Teresa. My faithful reader’s know the history with her, but recap, she was Nat’s (poly) partner before possible coercing me into being physical with her in Spring of this same year after which Nat and Teresa broke up (and Ivy and I broke up). I had not been back to her place – neither of us – had been back to her place since those 8-9 months before. I was good in that is was meh. We played cards and a board game and Teresa was largely polite, but uninterested in either of our existences.

I mentioned that Nat and I had broken up and she responded “nice”. It seemed like an automatic reply, an awkward one like she was unsure what else to say, but even her “well, not nice, but you know what I mean” seemed bland and not genuine. I had been in a way obsessed with returning to her apartment after the thing that happened with her. I wanted to be in the space that it had happened so I could move past it. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but I felt like I needed it, to be in that living room and hug that person, to move on and leave that pain behind.

It worked. Hearing her talk about how she and another friend text daily and talk on the phone for hours while I, even after the possible sexual assault from her, forgave her and tried to be there for her as a friend (long distance as I no longer live in town). I was done. She used the excuse that she just doesn’t do well reaching out which I believed before, but hearing about her other friend. No. Truly, if someone wants to they will. Does not just apply for romantic relationships.

The rest of the trip was lackluster. Went to the store with Nat to try to find some earring pieces (did not find, I have ordered them online) to make new jewelry from our old matching bracelets. Nat asked me to order another set so they could turn them into an earring set for both of us. We would complete each other after the break up. I think it’s a beautiful sentiment.

On the way back to Nat’s place the topic of being physical came up and they asked how I felt (basically if there would be another round before I left town) to which I replied was up to them. By this I meant I was good either way and would agree if they wanted to. Once back at their place we had patio chats while they smoked. We addressed the weekend and I reiterate that I wish to know them more beyond the physical. We agree to alternate weekends with benefits and the next without. Of course, we can change our minds either way, but they stress that it is a group decision as I mentioned it feeling like when we were in a relationship after the third or fourth time (where I already consented so they take the lead and the times continue multiplying almost without thinking).

I decide that I do not want to be physical anymore during this visit and they are proud of me deciding that as they had stressed that it was a joint decision when I had said previously that it was up to them. I mention how much I enjoyed that tentative and clear boundary before the first time this weekend. They express appreciation at my voicing all of this.

I stay later than usual chatting on the patio with them. I don’t want to leave. I wish I had had more time with them. Them as a person not as a body. I say this. Eventually I take my new stack of borrowed books and drive back home. We play Stardew when I get back. We had tried to play this a couple times before when we were together but for whatever reason I did not enjoy it at all. This time it is so much fun. It’s weird to say, especially after this weekend, but things are just better with Nat and I as friends. Having been physical has not changed the emotional/mental difference of being friends now instead of being in a relationship with them.

Back to Normal?

This week has been the most comfortable between them and I long distance since the breakup. They reassured me that they don’t feel like I am overbearing or disrupting them and that they appreciate me reaching out to them to text or even call after I have a stressful day at work. I worry this is depending on them like when we were together, they tell me it is not and that they are glad to be there for me. That while I am worried about overstepping emotionally, they are more concerned with overstepping physically.

I decide to trust them when they specifically end the call we were on while playing Stardew on Sunday night with “and call me to complain after work tomorrow”. I do. It feels great to have this kind of communication back with them. We play Stardew (with the exception of Ivy’s birthday on Tuesday) and text throughout the week and I call a couple of days after work. Nat called me today to complain about something on their end. Can you believe it is the first time they ever call me in the entire time we have known each other. It made me so happy for them to reach out to me.

Ivy stays out on Wednesday night (she says a friend made her a birthday cake and invited her to taste it but that they ended up playing Magic the Gathering most of the night). The solitude is so peaceful. I look forward to her moving out. She had mentioned she would not be able to meet the December 31st deadline I had given her back in April. I said I was considering paying for a room for her to rent for a month (I just want her out of my living space). Today I confirm that I will not be doing that and that she will have to figure something out. She says she understands and had not ever expected me to. Seeing as I have been providing her a roof over her head for almost four years now with no kind of financial help from her for the majority of it, I don’t believe her, but I nod.

Now here I am writing this blog post. Sick. My throat started feeling scratchy on the drive back on Sunday night, but it wasn’t until today, very early Saturday morning, that I started with the sneezing, fatigue, and teary eyes. I can blame no one but myself. Nat invited me to hangout this weekend and made sure to mention that they have the place to themselves. I reminded them that this weekend would be our strictly friends weekend, so it didn’t make a difference. I want to go. What am I staying at home for? I don’t really hang out with my family and Ivy has her birthday celebration with her friends at the card shop later today as I write this which I already told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted to attend (I’m not as into Magic the Gathering as her anyway).

Maybe I’m justifying it, but I can read and write and play video games here as well as I can at Nat’s. I know it’s a three hour drive there and again back…but what else am I doing this weekend anyway? Feeling sick and sorry for myself? Well I have to check on my co-worker’s cats since she’s out of town, but other than that…why not? As long as I wake up not feeling like death I’ll probably go.

Wow, I actually managed to write, edit, voice record, and post something all in the same day. This is happening in real time for my readers who are here early. I’m either chilling at my co-worker’s place with her cats or driving out to see my ex Nat again. Take your bets! (Ivy has already bet I’m going to see Nat.)