So You Know

I’ve been putting off writing about that weekend. Not because anything bad happened. Really things went so much better than expected. I don’t know. It was just too painful of a breakup. I guess, in a way it felt invalidating to feel so much better after spending less than 48 hours with Nat (my now ex) that weekend.

For those who missed the previous posts, Nat (they/them) broke up with me on 11/8, I saw them the following day on 11/9 but was too distraught to hang out as friends like we agreed to continue being and a full week later I drove out to West Texas to collect my things from their place on 11/16. The week in between was awful. I do have a post on all of that. I used this blog and music as a way to cope, but once I met with them again it was as if I was renewed and I have taken a large pause on this blog again.

I suppose I have been waiting for the right time, the proper inspiration, but I also don’t want to lose the memories, so right time or not, here I finally am to describe that weekend.

Rocky Start – expecting to be thrown out with a trash bag of my stuff

I had not originally planned to visit this particular weekend as I had a dentist appointment on Saturday and I usually preferred to leave on Friday evenings to get the most amount of time with Nat on weekend trips to see them. This weekend though, it didn’t matter. I was actually grateful to not be able to go sooner though my stomach was in knots about the trip the entire week. Nat and I texted scarcely throughout the week, mostly simple “how are you?”s and “getting through it” texts back and forth every couple days.

I knew Nat had agreed to me going to collect my things that very next weekend and had even offered for me to stay the night so I wouldn’t have to drive there and back the same day though I had hesitated to accept. I don’t think I confirmed if it was still alright to spend the night until the morning on Saturday before I drove out there. When I texted them that I had arrived they told me they were putting together my clothing and I was petrified that they were going to hand me a bag with all my things and turn me away. I would not have blamed them for having a change of heart in the hours it had taken me to drive there. They owed me nothing.

However, they asked me to come around back (their mom and mom’s boyfriend were in the main house) so I complied. As I approached the back porch door, I froze, unsure if I should knock. They were watching me from inside the glass doors and made a motion for me to enter. I had never just entered. Usually, I would text that I had arrived and they would meet me at the main door. This was new. I entered and saw my clothing on their bed. They had washed what I had worn the last time I had visited for several days. At that time, I had asked if I should just take my dirty clothing back with me to wash, but they had assured me that they could wash it to keep at their place as I had intended for that small wardrobe to stay. That’s what they had meant by getting my stuff together.

I hadn’t wanted to arrive with these grocery box bags I had intended to use to pack my things to take with me, so I arrived with nothing more than my cellphone in hand and greeted Nat. They gave me a hug which set my heart at ease. They didn’t hate me. I could breathe. After a week, I felt like I could breathe again. People always say why don’t we stay friends? But people say a lot of things. It hurt so much. The breakup. I would have understood if they still needed time and space from me. If they couldn’t bring themselves to hug me. But they did and it meant the world to me. It felt like I could believe it when they offered friendship after our breakup.

Yet, they offered me a trash bag for my clothing. I tried to explain the grocery box bag situation and offered to go get them from my vehicle which got a bit awkward since I made a joke about them offering the trash bag as if my belongings at their place were trash. After a little back and forth, I insisted they grab the bag and when they handed me the white trash bag, I placed all of my washed clothing in it, as well as the remaining clothing in my designated drawer and lastly the contents of my drawer in the bathroom with toiletries. I offered to leave the pack of hair ties that they often expressed gratitude in having as they also have long hair and their cat often steals their hair ties. They declined.

Patio Deep Chats – reflecting on our past relationship

I wasn’t sure where to go from here. I felt better knowing all of my belongings were in one place should I be asked to leave at any moment though. It’s been a couple weeks since that weekend as I sit writing this. I have lost the details and I think I wanted to lose them. All I know is that I asked how they were doing/coping and they responded something along the lines of dissociating a lot.

Most of the first evening was spent on the patio with me discussing, or better, with me explaining all of the realizations I had reached in that lonely first week post breakup while they smoked and listened. A lot of the things I had thought about in that week were directly from comments Nat had made either on the night of the breakup or the day after when we had met up in person.

I remember a big one was how they had said that I did not speak highly of them as I would often do of my friends. I agonized about this a lot. I remembered something early on in our relationship, some random relationship tik tok or instagram reel saying one knows a relationship is good for you if you would be happy to be compared to your loved one. If you having characteristics like your loved one is a compliment to you then they are the right person for you. I remember watching that and being horrified. I did not want to be compared to Nat. I did not want to be like Nat.

After the break up, I reflected on that. Because I had, even earlier on, been so head over heels that I blabbered on about Nat in the most complimentary of ways, but it had been a long time since I had done that. How had that changed and was there anything I admired about them? They had also frequently said it felt like I was just a person to them and did not make them feel like they were my person. I had rejected this every time it came up when we were together. I insisted I would not continue to be in a relationship with them if I did not feel like they were my person. Yet, I often questioned if we were just what the other needed in that moment. Often worried I was the only one benefiting as they had a huge part in helping me move on from the breakup I had had with Ivy right before Nat and I got together. They often would reassure me that this was not the case for them and that they were happy to help in any way with what I was going through.

I thought on these things all week long and found out that there were so many things I do admire about them. So many things I feel inadequate about that I don’t believe I will ever be able to match them with. Their ability to feel music, to dance freely, to be themselves unapologetically. I love who they are. I truly do and always did. But they were right. I had doubts about us working out long term from the start and could never give myself fully to them. I was not able to be myself completely with them and so I also did not accept them fully as my person. They were wonderful and we were what each of us needed at the time, but I agreed, it was time for us to become who we needed for ourselves apart.

I joked that since the majority of my realizations were how amazing I still thought they were that I would write them a letter with the negative things later. They seemed amused at that. At some point we went to the main part of the house to have dinner. Their mom had made pot roast and mashed potatoes (which was delicious, by the way). We sat at the dining room table with their mom and mom’s boyfriend. It was a bit awkward as everyone knew we had recently broken up and we hardly ever ate at that table. When we were together we mostly ate in Nat’s room just the two of us.

That Night – same people, new experiences

Some time after that they suggested playing a video game we had started playing together, but I did not have a mouse for my laptop, so they suggested going to buy a cheap one at the store. When we were together, in the 8 months we were together I can count on one hand how many times we went anywhere in the town Nat lives. It felt easier to just not go anywhere since it felt like I had to force them. The last time we had gone to a store in town I could feel the anxiety radiating off of them and never pushed to go again. Them suggesting we go to the store so casually was different. I agreed. We went. No big deal.

We played very briefly as my laptop overheated after less than an hour of playing. We had more patio chats. Their cat was so lovey as soon as I had walked in, by the way. I forgot to mention that earlier. It almost made me cry. She had missed me, and I had missed her. I knew as I greeted her that I was also saying goodbye though she did not know it. Goodbye as anyone who would have a significant role in her life that is. There was no longer hope for a future where she would be my cat too. I love that little fluffball so much.

We put on a silly thriller movie late that night which Nat fell asleep halfway through. Also a new thing. I often passed out hours before they did. They would usually stay up playing video games after I had fallen asleep. With their legs over my back. I remember laying on their bed while we played the video game together earlier in the night and they sat with their back against the wall. They sat there with their legs crossed for the longest time as I was laying in front of them as I usually did preventing them from stretching their legs out… until they did. Until, like they had done countless times before, they stretched their legs out and rested them over the small of my back like old times. Another time I almost cried. We didn’t have to lose everything. We could still be friends and not be awkward about being close.

I had said as much before starting the movie. They said their sister’s dog was staying with them so the spare room (the one they had offered me an air mattress in) was currently occupied by their second cat who does not get along with Nat’s cat. They had offered to bring the air mattress to their room though they would have had to clear off the floor (their room was in a bit of disarray). I told them we didn’t have to make things weird. That if they were okay with it, I was okay with sharing a bed with them. That I have shared a bed with most of my friends and it didn’t have to be inherently sexual.

It was a relief when they fell asleep. I stayed up to finish the movie then let myself fall asleep still facing the direction of the TV, the opposite direction that they were sleeping in. I figured this would make things even less blurry lined. Around 6-7am I woke from the cold. While they had a blanket, I did not. I tried to use the blanket they were laying on top of but eventually got up instead as I did not want to intrude on their space or wake them to take more of the blanket from under them.

The Morning After – more patio chats

I had been meaning to write a letter to their mom to say all that I had not been able to say the night of the concert a week ago when I bid her farewell. So, I did that. Eventually laid back down, this time the same direction as Nat on the bed to rest as I had woken earlier than intended from the cold. At one point they woke up. It was nice to see their sleepy face waking though it was so different this time post break up. I smiled and asked if they wished to continue sleeping. When they said yes, I rested a moment more before getting up to listen to music on their patio.

Naught a song or two later they joined me on the patio. I wondered out loud if they had not intended to sleep longer and cannot remember what they answered. We spoke on the patio for a while. They asked about my interests and hobbies and I relayed what I often had to anyone who bothered to ask these last few years, that I had been in survival mode for so long that I no longer remembered. We spoke about philosophy and our mutual interest in it.

I have no transition for this, but before I forget, the night prior Nat had mentioned meeting someone on the smoke patio the night of the concert (the day after we broke up) who had asked for their number. Nat replied that they were too drunk to remember their cell phone number, so she had given them her number instead. Nat mentioned that whenever they met someone they intended to grow a relationship with that they had been approached by an animal. Before me with, at the time, Teresa’s and Nat’s other poly partner it had been a possum, I believe. With me it had been a dragonfly and a hummingbird. With this new person it had been a raccoon. When they voiced this, I was honest and told them that it hurt seeing as the connection had been made maybe 24 hours after we had broken up, however that I understood connections happen regardless of anyone’s intent and that I wished them the best.

Alright, just needed to remember to include that.

Hanging Out with their Mom

Later that morning we went out to the living room to hang out and chat with their mom. Nat did most of the talking until I brought up the letter which is when they stepped out and I read it to their mom. I may or may not post the letter at a later time. Mainly its purpose was to apologize for not trying harder for getting to know their mom (I felt immense pressure, from myself, not by her, to make a good impression as Nat was already talking marriage which resulted in me being overwhelmed and hardly interacting with her instead). The other purpose was to thank her for having been so kind and welcoming in the time I had known her. Ending with my intent to continue building a relationship with her as much as she would like now as a friend to her child instead of their partner.

My voice shook the entire way through, but I was able to read it all. We spoke a little afterwards. She says it answered the questions she had. (Nat had mentioned to me before I read it that she found my behavior a little sus since I had been so avoidant with her.) I thanked her again and retreated to Nat’s room. They were in the bathroom, so alone in the room, I broke down crying. It was the first and only time I cried this weekend. The way she responded to the letter and our conversation, with empathy, understanding, and forgiveness… it occurred to me that my own mother would not have responded so graciously. That thought broke me. Nat stepped out of the bathroom to me in tears sitting on their bed. I was able to say that their mom was wonderful and continued to cry for a moment before pulling myself together.

A while later we both wandered back to the living room to join their mom in watching a movie. It was a little awkward, but I am glad we did. Their mom and the dog were on the middle couch while Nat and I sat apart on opposite couches at either end of the living room. During the movie they asked their mom (who is a massage therapist) for help with some upper back pain. She massaged a bit then placed cups all along their back. I remember seeing Nat with their shirt off and feeling the difference. This was not intimate. This was not the body of my partner. It was the body of my friend, of this mother’s child. It was sad, yet a moment I am grateful for.

Thrift Shopping – solidifying our new friendship

After the movie, Nat and I went thrift shopping like we had mentioned the night before and countless times before that (yet had not done while we were together). It was fun. They followed me around the store stating they were not looking for anything for themselves therefore I was to find something for myself. I hate shopping for clothing for myself (I hate my body). My ex before Nat, Ivy, loves clothes shopping and whenever we went to a clothing store she would be focused on finding something that suited her. Even on trips when I emphasized that I wanted her help finding something for me. This was new to me. We did find a couple of things for both of us but Nat stated they did not have the money to buy their items. I grabbed them and said this is how friendship works. That they just had to pay the next time we went thrift shopping. They smiled and joked that the secret was to never go thrift shopping again, right?

As we walked to my vehicle I was ecstatic. I couldn’t remember ever having fun clothing shopping with anyone before. They enjoy fashion, but I don’t know, they don’t feel pretentious about it. I felt safe with them with this part of me that is so full of doubt and disgust towards myself. I spoke about before when I used to make weird fashion choices that were seen as too much by classmates in middle and high school (a lot of terrible pattern matching, honestly). Nat, with their unapologetic fashion and life sense, made me feel confident about expressing who I am in whichever way I wanted. They said there are no fashion rules, just confidence which they proved as soon as we got back. On the way back though I smiled at them big and told them it had been so nice shopping with them, that they felt like the sibling I never had (I have an older sibling, but we don’t go shopping or interact like this). They threw an arm around my shoulder and squeezed me to them. My smile grew even bigger. This felt right. This didn’t even feel like a new beginning for us. It felt like what it was intended to be from the start. A non-family blood bond. Close and committed, though not in a romantic way.

I made a joke about being Alabama siblings due to our romantic history. XD We both got a laugh out of that. Sorry Alabama X)

When we got home I excitedly asked if we would have a little fashion show before I left town. Nat agreed as if there were no other answer to the question. We both removed our shirts. It felt normal. I had been so anxious about the change in our physical interactions. Going from partners to friends, I wasn’t sure I could process that difference fully in a single week apart. Yet, in this moment, it was good, better than good. It wasn’t awkward or sad or anything. It just was. It felt more comfortable than even changing in a locker room. Like changing in front of roommates. Not even a thought. Comfortable and normal. Surprising. New.

I had been afraid of any lingering sexual tension, but there was none in this moment. This felt like the last trial I needed to be comfortable in this new way of interacting with Nat. To stop worrying about either of us complicating our new friendship with any physical desires. I admit I had felt a twinge of brief desire when they first laid their legs over my back in that nostalgic way the night before. Then there was the moment I had asked Nat sometime that same night “you know what would be funny?” and they responded loudly “if we fucked?!” I gave them a very confused glare as they walked out to the patio in response. Though those two things had happened, this moment of undressing without discomfort or underlying feelings, solidified our new friendship for me.

Overall Best Weekend with Nat Yet

I was afraid to write this post. This weekend felt as if it were gift wrapped. I got precisely everything I could have asked for out of it. We did our little fashion show, even showed their mom the shirt I’d been teasing Nat about thinking would work on anyone let alone them. (Of course, they pulled it off.) Before I left they handed me two philosophical type books and another before asking if I would like any more from their personal collection. I chose one more then they led me to their mom’s books in the dining room and asked her to let me borrow the first in a series that she enjoyed. I left with five books. We jabbered about a potential business idea to their mom (they have designed shirts in the past and I have minor education in business). And after a few hours drive, when I arrived back home, we played a bit of the video game while on the phone that same night, me and Nat.

I could not have planned a better post break up weekend. I suppose I was afraid to write all of this down should the act of writing it shatter my perception of my time at Nat’s during those two days.

I am glad to know it hasn’t. In the two weeks since, all I have done it seems is work and read. I have two books left that I wish to finish before visiting Nat again this next weekend. I want to write a separate post listing all of the books and my thoughts on them. This post is long enough though. See ya in the next one!