So You Know

I don’t want to forget how this heartbreak feels.

Nat broke up with me four days ago as I write this. Since then, I have been grieving the loss of our relationship. It is the first time I have been through heartbreak this viscerally. So far in my life, I am used to disappointment and have come to expect it. Truthfully, I had been very guarded the entire time in our past relationship, and I know that helped in this breakup hurting less which is shocking to me, since even so the feelings have been deep and painful.

Before the Breakup- week in town with Nat

Let’s go over the facts as I remember them. October 25th, I ended up taking my mom to a medical appointment and chose to forgo my own therapy appointment for this. I then traveled to visit Nat (they/them) the next day for a prolonged trip where we had spoken about me spending about five days there and then bringing them back to Dallas with me since I would only be working a full day Thursday and a half day Friday before we could enjoy the entire weekend together…in the company of my ex, Ivory, who continues to share a room with me.

The five days were daunting. I remember being apprehensive and worried about spending so much free time with Nat. Usually we would alternate visiting each other and spending 2-3 days together, mostly weekends when I did not work. That was enough time to reconnect and appreciate our physical presence until the next 2-3 weeks when we would see each other again in person. Five days felt like a test, and I had some continuing education credits (10 hours of them) that I needed to complete as well.

Plus, I had made plans to try to reconnect with Teresa (she/her) …yeah, the one I am not sure if sexually assaulted me or was a simple miscommunication. Nat has been advising against this throughout our entire relationship but agreed to accompany me to meet up with her. We accidentally arrived an hour early and ended up walking for a bit or chatting until it was time to go to the bar for a music event Teresa had suggested meeting up at. She brought her roommate as well as her (very new, maybe 2 weeks official) partner. I remember feeling rude at the time that Nat and I were so in each other’s bubble. Happy and enjoying the night while being polite, but not overly interested in the others at the table. Add in the fact that both Nat and I had had some kind of romantic relationship with Teresa in the past and it felt even more rude.

We had 1-2 drinks there, bought some mixed drink pack on the way home and proceeded to have another 4 drinks each. Before meeting Nat I had only been blackout drunk once in university (at a house party with liquor and Four Lokos). I don’t remember all of this night, but I did wake up the next day with a headache and commitment to working on my continuing education hours. Spent most of the day recovering from the night of drinking and working. Spent the next day finishing my education credits and… drinking the last 4 drinks from the pack to celebrate. Nat, who had been playing video games as I worked for the past 24-48 hours, also joined me in drinking. Heck, I don’t even remember drinking the fourth drink. Apparently, from what Nat told me the next day, I was coherent, and they were unaware I was blackout drunk.

The next day was awful. Most of the days I was there we were eating 1-2 meals per day of what we could find around the house. I was awkward about going to the store or making my own food (maybe because, after all the months of dating and visiting them, I still felt like a guest in their home). So, I was very hungry, but very nauseous. I wanted something relatively healthy that would ease my stomach. I wanted a salad. I wanted a specific salad from a specific restaurant that I had not been to for years as Ivory worked at the only location of this small West Texas town Nat currently lives in. Just thinking about that place and my ex broke me.

I started sobbing. Nat held me. I sniveled apologies. Just a few days ago, Nat had questioned why I was still grieving that ~3-year long relationship when it had ended several months ago (~8 months). I apologized, but Nat reassured me it was okay and let me cry into their chest. It was so unexpected and so painful that it felt like the world was closing in around me. I squeezed my eyes shut and began to see shapes and ultimately blue/white electricity behind my eyes. Nat asked what I saw, and I said a small or baby lion plus abstract shapes and then the electricity replacing the veins/capillaries leading to my irises.

Nat spoke about the meaning of lions once I was done sobbing which had a royal/spiritual significance from what I remember. They had also marveled at another sight I shared in the past days when I randomly saw a rainbow half enveloping a light in their room though there was nothing indoors that I can attribute to making that perfect semi-circle of a rainbow appear there. I checked the next day and could not see it. Nat said it was me seeing angels and took it as a positive sign.

After the break down, we did end up ordering food from that restaurant and I was able to keep down the food. Since I no longer had work to do, I felt empty while they continued to play video games. Nat suggested watching a show together or starting a new game on their console, but I ended up playing on my Nintendo Switch since we had finished watching a show earlier and I did not want to continue watching TV. Eventually we did end up playing a game together after some difficulty getting the console connected to the TV. Before that, though, while they played video games on their laptop with their legs over my back as I lay on my belly perpendicular to them playing on the Switch, they looked at me with loving eyes and a content smile as they said this was what we had to look forward to in the future. I am sure my face reacted as I tried to force a smile on it while dreading a future of parallel play and finding ways to entertain myself while they played video games.

The day of their birthday was also the day I was to drive back to Dallas with them for a weekend in my town, however the night before, Nat confessed that they were not sure about going after all. They said they wanted to spiral (have a quarter life crisis) which would involve alcohol and existential dread and did not want me to see them like that. I would not beg them to go or force them, so I became sad and said I simply wished they had told me they did not want to go weeks ago instead of going with what I thought was the plan until the night before. They said they would think about it, but ultimately decided to stay the following day.

I drove the few hours back to Dallas, sad to be missing out on the casual birthday plans of hanging out with Nat and their mom and eating buffalo mac and cheese (though they ended up ordering pizza instead for the two of them). Nat had suggested me calling out of work to spend the birthday evening with them or driving out in the morning before work, but I struggle to call in even when I am sick and I would have had to wake up extra early to head out by 5am to make it to work on time, so I decided against it.

Return Alone to Dallas- physically sick

Irony of ironies, the following night I got intense pain like I had not had in months (abnormal normal uterus things). Usually, the pain sucks, but I have worked a hospital shift in the same excruciating pain, but this time the pain was so severe it caused nausea and vomiting. I hate vomiting. Nat had woken up one morning after a night of drinking to immediately throw up. It wasn’t a big deal to them at all, just part of feeling better. I knew I would feel better after throwing up at that time but had such a mental block. Thankfully, with Ivory still sharing the room with me, she was kind enough to grab a container for me to throw up in and hold some pain pills (Midol) for after I threw up. We sat there with her holding those pills in her open palm for several minutes until I dry heaved again and again and eventually threw up a bit.

It was a horrendous night. The next couple times I started falling asleep led to vomiting. I was shaking from the experience and still in pain. I was scheduled for a half day, but after the third time throwing up, I decided to call in. I felt so guilty for calling in this day for myself and for not calling in the day before for Nat. I remember talking to Nat about my night the following day and asking how they would have reacted to the situation. They assured me they would make sure I was comfortable and offer me water and make it easy for me to get up to puke. Knowing how comfortable they personally are with throwing up, I asked if they would have been patient as I grappled with letting myself vomit even if we both knew it was what would make me feel better. They said they would though truthfully, they would be a bit petty about it. One of the things I love about Nat is how honest they are, especially with small things others may say white lies to spare feelings. But at the moment, it did not make me feel good. I wanted a partner that would be patient and understanding in the face of one of my major discomforts.

Then they went on a trip to visit family that weekend. Very spontaneous since the original plan had been for them to come with me to Dallas for the weekend. By this point in our relationship, I had accepted that when they are with family, they were less responsive to texts and I gave them space (not calling freely, making sure to set a time via text before calling). The subsequent days were not talkative but were par for the course as far as I knew.

That Monday (one week ago as of this post) I wrote my last blog post talking about how overwhelmed I am and how I realized my ex is what I wanted in life. What I did not write was that I concluded that Nat was who I needed. Knowing this, I was confused and unsure of what to do with this information. I decided to not go into detail with Nat as I would be seeing them in a few days anyway.

Breakup Day- distance

The following days passed by in a blur, me texting about work stress and them texting about the video game they were currently playing. On Friday (11/8/24) I had my video therapy session but was so overwhelmed I did it in my office a work (though usually I drive home to do it). The session before that one was most of the hour sobbing. I had never started and ended a therapy session sobbing. That last session had been the day I had called out of work, so conversation was mostly regarding pain, gender dysphoria, and wondering why I was grieving my ex-relationship despite breaking up with her at the beginning of the year. The therapy session on 11/8 was much more of the same in regard to my ex. Feeling guilty and thinking out Nat’s comment wondering why I was still having such strong feelings about it. The session ended with my therapist advising me not to make any big decisions while I was feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

That day was eternal. I battled about going home to pack a bag or just making do with the one outfit I had taken with me to work since I had been informed Nat, their mom, and their mom’s friend would arrive ~5pm. Yes, this weekend was then one Nat’s mom had bought concert tickets for us to go to and have a chance to hang out together, however somehow her mom’s friend ended up tagging along as well as the friend’s boyfriend.

I had assumed all of them were driving down from West Texas, until Nat told me they were stopping to meet up with the boyfriend who lives in the Dallas area. I called around 3pm as I walked to my SUV from work since texting was slow and I wanted to know where to plan to meet as the drive home and back to where Nat and I were to spend the night (their mom had gotten us a hotel in the downtown area which I had reluctantly agreed to accept since I knew Nat did not want to stay at my place with my ex and I was saving up money for car mechanic fees).

I continued to ask for clarification regarding the time and location to meet everyone, but did not get a solid answer until around 10pm. At this point, I was frustrated and unsure if I wanted to go hangout. I had expected to see Nat as soon as they got into town and spend the evening with them (they arrived in town ~5pm). I asked if they wanted me to go, because I felt disregarded. They said they did. They also said they were drunk. I went. Planning to go downtown later that night, I drove the 30-45 minutes to meet them in my old car that had just come back from the mechanic a few weeks ago and I had not driven since. It squeaked the whole way, but I did make it to the location.

Breakup Night- uncomfortable connection

I met Nat outside of the bar everyone was gathered in. (This was the second location as they had already had dinner in a different spot.) They appeared happy to see me, and I tried to smile through it as I said hello to their mom, the friend and the boyfriend, but I told Nat that I was frustrated at them. Their mood shifted. Still enjoying the music and dancing, but distant.

At the second bar, it was much more crowded, but also had very loud music with people dancing and drunk. Nat being one of them. I remember feeling so out of place and uncomfortable. As they danced with reckless abandon, I would put my arms around them like a shield if they got too close to a table or were about to bump into another person. They later told me it wasn’t a big deal, bumping into someone, and told a comical past experience where they almost fell over and grabbed someone by the shoulders with no negative consequences.

I just remember feeling so small and awkward standing there as they danced and not feeling like I could get into the music or join them. At most giving a head bobble. When we walked out of there, I held on to their arm or held their hand before making it to my car. Unbeknownst to me, their mom would be staying at the friend’s boyfriend’s apartment near the bar, not at the hotel like I had thought was the plan (but again never asked since historically Nat would say they did not know what plans are).

I was anxious as downtown was 45 minutes away and it was past 1am. It was not a traditional hotel, so I was afraid they would not have check in this late. I insisted on checking the website before starting to drive especially because of the squeaking my car was doing on the drive up made me concerned we might not make a round trip to the hotel and back if they preferred to stay at the guy’s place with their mom instead of my place with my ex should we not be able to check in that night.

I do not remember how the breakup speech started. Already it seems I have blocked out the memory. What I do remember is me realizing what it sounded like and asking if we were really doing this then them tugging and breaking the matching bracelet on their wrist that I had gotten for us about 8 months ago when we started dating. I knew that was final. They apologized for doing it this way and said they hadn’t meant to do it like this, but I was crying and trying to comprehend it. Eventually I took some deep breaths and was able to push the feelings aside. I demanded they take the bracelet off of my wrist and we stepped outside. I offered to cross the street and walk them to the apartment complex where everyone else was staying. They said they would be fine to do that on their own.

I told them I had something for them and took a painting out of my packed bag in the trunk. It was a forest/mountain scene (similar to the matching bracelet they had very recently worn). They asked me to keep the painting to remember them by. I refused. It had taken me months to finish the painting though it was small and simple. They accepted it. They invited me to meet up the next day and attend the concert and continue being friends.

During the conversation in the car I had mentioned that I was glad they broke up with me before I did with them as my mind was drawing the same conclusion. They asked how it felt to be on the other side of a breakup since this situation (them breaking up with someone) was a new experience to them. I gave a wry laugh as I had been broken up with once before, though yes, I had more recent experience breaking up with my live-in ex.

Nat and I had gotten together before that breakup (chill! we were both poly at the time), so they had seen how I processed and went about staying friends with her. They told me they still wanted to be friends with me though they had not ever done that or wanted that with any of their past relationships. They reassured me that I am a wonderful person and looked me in the eyes with so much raw pain and emotion that I could see all the love they had for me, but also the determination that we could not be together.

That was something I struggled with during our entire relationship. I had a moment with them that I have never had with anyone before in my life. When I saw them for the first time, really looked into their eyes and saw them, I felt as if our souls connected, melded into each other and danced. It was more than a spark. They admitted to feeling their heartbeat for the first time in years and confessed that they had felt I would be the person they would marry the very first time they met me as a cashier at a local pet store almost a year prior to when we started dating.

I struggled with trusting this new overwhelming feeling since we got together. I wanted to believe, but I was scared. Now, it had come crashing down as I was always afraid it would, but I still saw that love in their eyes. As much as it has hurt, I really am glad they took the initiative to break up. Having gotten together immediately after a ~3 year long relationship end for me and ~1 year relationship and marriage before that for them…I think we both knew it would be a long shot…but I also know we both believed, at least in the beginning.

They did say before walking off into the night that they still believed I was fated to be an important part of their life, but just not in the way that they had at first believed.

Breakup Twilight- using music to cope

As I drove 30 minutes back to my place, they later told me they walked to the apartment complex in tears.

As soon as I entered the room, I slumped onto the bed. Ivory was surprised to see me since I had told her ahead of time that I was planning on spending the next couple nights in a hotel with Nat. I was quiet and minimally responsive at first until I was able to inform her that Nat had broken up with me. After the initial numbness, I began to sob. She sat with me and rubbed my back as I cried until eventually, she went to bed on the top bunk, and I was numb staring into space wondering how I would sleep on the bottom futon bed.

After some time, I told her I was going to play a song on the speaker that was stuck in my head. It was the acoustic version of Inertia by AJR. I listened and sobbed then played it again and sang in a trembling, distraught tone. The song is about feeling stuck in one’s current situation and resonated after my second breakup of the year.

After that I continued picking songs and singing for hours. I apologized to Ivory for keeping her awake, but she reassured me it was alright and later told me she had been listening to the music crying herself (a lot of them were break up songs which could also be applied to our breakup at the beginning of the year) and she fell asleep listening to me sing. I think I finally decided to sleep at 5am. I remember only sleeping 3 hours that night and waking to figure out how hanging out would happen that day.

Day After the Breakup- meeting with Nat

With the emotional turmoil and confusion regarding location and time the day prior I asked Ivory to drive me to meet Nat and everyone else. I had asked Ivory if she would mind taking an Uber back if Nat decide to leave with me but figured it would work if I stayed with the group, so we didn’t have separate vehicles anyway.

Honestly, my critical thinking was not there at all, and it probably would have been smarter to drive myself, but I continued to sing the whole drive and asked Nat to meet me outside the restaurant the others were eating inside for lunch. At that same moment they all exited behind Nat. I was just beginning to explain the vehicle situation, that while I had come with Ivory, we could drop her off somewhere or have her take an Uber back to have the SUV for ourselves when Nat suggested just riding back with the others (and not hanging out after all). Feeling pressured, I asked to ride with them as I figured we would all be hanging out anyway. They asked the guy who was driving who awkwardly agreed. Later on, Nat told me everyone was aware of the breakup as they had arrived sobbing to the apartment complex and upon hearing that I would still be showing up the next day, the guy had offered to yell or spook me away. I guess he thought I was being a crazy obsessive ex by showing up, not that Nat had specifically invited me.

It was awkward for everyone else more than for me and Nat, I think. We ended up going to Walmart then back to the guy’s apartment. The guy kept suggesting bars around the apartment or places to walk outside, so after a chat on the balcony I suggested to Nat we go outside. We walked until we got to a bar with a 45-minute wait to which Nat walked out of. We walked back to the patio of the apartment complex, got on some hammocks, but one made a sound as I joined Nat on it, so I moved to my own hammock. They scrolled their phone, and I eventually turned to look at them, contemplating texting them so as to not speak so loudly in the silent and empty courtyard.

Eventually they came over to show me a video and we moved to a table. We chatted there and then back on the balcony of the guy’s apartment. I looked at the time and when I realized we still had 2-3 hours until leaving for the concert that night, I asked Ivory to pick me up. We finished chatting on the balcony and I asked Nat to walk me across the street to the SUV. During our chats we spoke about any lingering doubts, reasons for the breakup, future plans, and how friendship may look like moving forward. I had packed their few belongings from my place and gave them back while they gave me my laptop charger that I had forgotten at theirs during the previous visit. We hugged and parted ways. I had tried to give them a crochet chicken we had bought for each other at a flea market when I went out to their family cabins a few months ago, but they insisted I keep it and they would keep mine that I had given them originally.

I sang on the way back and the rest of that evening is a blur. I know Ivory and I went to eat on the way home then may have watched a show before she began to express similar feelings of distance and desire to separate from their long-distance partner (that they had started to date shortly after our breakup too). I remember the weekend I saw the relationship announcement on social media I had been with Nat and sobbed into their arms. Ivory and their partner broke up this night as I later found out.

Night After the Breakup- distance up close

I had asked Ivory to drop me off earlier in the day since I intended on drinking excessively, however with her emotional turmoil and wanting to have one last hurrah with Nat, I decided to go alone. I had already let everyone know what time I would arrive for the concert. They had the tickets, so I waited outside of the venue for 20-30 minutes until they arrived. The entire thing was awkward.

Watching Nat dance again with reckless abandon that I could not match on a good day, but especially not that day. Noticing their mom taking video of us dancing when I did give in and try to keep up with their eclectic dance moves then getting spooked and immediately stopped dancing when I saw the phone recording us.

Having Nat rush off in the crowd to the very front of the audience area and me following as best as I could but ending a few people behind. Considering making the extra effort to meet them at the front but deciding to watch from a distance instead as I was crying again. Then not seeing them and getting a text that they had returned to the back of the venue and asking where I was. Me texting back that I would stay at the front for a bit. I was crying profusely now and did not want to return just yet until I wasn’t.

When I did get back standing awkwardly between Nat and their mom as tears occasionally streamed down my face and at one point actively sobbing. Nat put an arm around me for comfort until I was no longer sobbing. Awkwardly standing alone next to their mom as they went out to the smoke patio and did not return by the time the first band performance had finished (the band I was told we came to see, but apparently was only the opening band). When their mom told me there was another act, presumably another hour performance at least and Nat had still not returned from the smoke patio, I decided I could not take it anymore.

I apologized for not staying and think I expressed that I was looking forward to bar hopping afterwards though their mom stated the friend was still hungover and may not want to bar hop. Nat’s mom asked me to show them where the smoke patio was to find Nat later, so I walked her over then gave her a hug and said “thank you for everything”. There was so much more I wanted to say. Sorry about not using the hotel you paid for us. Thank you for inviting me into your family and I’m sorry I will not be a part of it. I love your child. They are so precious to me, and I wish them only the best. All I could say was sorry this was so awkward and thank you for everything.

When I went to the smoke patio to say goodbye to Nat, they were still talking to a drunk older couple that I had seen them with 20-30 minutes ago when their mom had asked me to check to see where Nat was. Nat had introduced me to them as their friend, so I tapped them on the shoulder, told them I was heading out, gave an awkward side hug, and said “it was nice seeing you again” as if they were a distant friend or acquaintance. It felt foreign on my tongue, yet appropriate.

I knew they would be leaving the next morning. I considered going to my favorite bar, the piano bar, on my own. They would know where I was if they wanted to meet up after the concert. I had only had half a shot of whiskey that Nat had offered me, but I did not feel like drinking. Plus, I had to drive myself home. The plan had been if I drank too much to safely drive, I would order Ivory an Uber to my location and she would drive me home, but a quick sob in the SUV and brief text messages from Nat asking if I was okay and wishing me to have a good night me answering that I would be okay, is when I finally accepted that alcohol is not my poison.

Before being with Nat and after university, I may have had 2-3 drinks every 6 months during a social outing. I was not drawn to it. For fun or coping. I had talked about using it to cope in the past and more so after starting a relationship with Nat since this was one of the ways they cope, but I only did this once in the time we were together alone, and I still have two bottles of the liquor I bought for that.

I drove home. Numb and alone on the drive then sobbed mercilessly once I was home. Ivory listened to my experience, and I somehow fell asleep.

Two Days after the Breakup- trying to pick myself up again

The next day was an empty void needing to be filled. It would be the first day that Nat would not be in town which prior to the breakup would have meant a good morning message as well as texting throughout the day and a nightly video or phone call. The main take aways from my therapy session just two days before this had been 1. don’t make any big decision while I was feeling so overwhelmed and 2. work on making the gap between my self-care smaller. Meaning, when I give up on taking care of myself, working on that time being less and less. For example, instead of letting myself go for a week without showering, going 5 days then 3 days etc.

So, Sunday was my life goes on day. I did a short 10-minute workout from an app on my phone that I had started doing a week ago and skipped the day prior. I started a load of laundry. And when Ivory was awake, I requested to go outside on some sort of adventure. I requested the bookstore, but I made sure to go to the shed for a new outfit. I have boxes of clothes from when we moved here of different sizes. I mentioned I gained 50 pounds the last time I gave up on myself, right? That means I have size large and extra-large stored away and currently size 2XL in my room.

Since the breakup with Ivory in April, I have been steadily losing weight without huge changes to my diet or exercise (any changes have been inconsistent). I now comfortably (as I like lose clothing) fit in XL. I had gotten an outfit from the shed for the concert the day before (a neon yellow tank top and mesh black hoodie). Sunday, I chose a long brown skirt that I was excited fit me again and an olive-green t-shirt tucked in. I put my hair up with a claw clip shaped like an avocado in my best, messy attempt to look like a sexy librarian. Or at least that’s what I joked to Ivory.

She was in her usual black witchy style when we entered the bookstore. As soon as she walked through the door, a random man complimented her style. I was instantly sour. This was a common occurrence when we were out in public together. I remember thinking bitterly “she isn’t even wearing makeup!” I made a remark like, “well I guess that’s a good thing about being your friend instead of your partner now, that hurts a little less”. She was sad as she knew how much moments like that affected my self-esteem and also how it had negatively impacted her (enough to stop dressing up like she loved to do to spare my feelings towards the end of our relationship).

Another therapy recommendation/lesson had been to not put so much weight on small inconveniences like these that in the past would drastically alter my mood for the rest of the day or even weeks following. I breathed and tried to see it as only a moment in my entire day. I apologized to Ivory for my outburst but decided to leave the bookstore without browsing further.

I then asked to go to the lake we had laid out on a picnic blanket before just relaxing months before. I sang on the drive and sang on the blanket while Ivory fed Cheeto pieces to crows and ants before we got some ice cream from a vendor at the park, and I planted the guava seeds from mine in the ground.

I sang an emotional song about breaking up with the lyrics “and remember life always gets better promise me my darling angel you’ll keep on staying strong” urging the listener to move on despite the heartache. I almost didn’t make it through that one. Ivory was crying profusely next to me. When we left the park, we went to eat at Subway which she and I had not eaten at together since the evening I broke up with her back in April. It was bittersweet.

Still committed to being productive this day, I asked to stop by the grocery store with no solid plan about what to cook for lunches/dinners this week. I ended up getting potatoes, lean ground beef, broccoli slaw, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots for some kind of bowl concept, yogurts, pre-cut apple slices, and a vegetable snack kit. I made sure everything was as easy to grab and go as possible though I really thank Ivory for being able to get through the shopping trip as I was disassociated the entire time.

I did not finish my typical afternoon routine of cooking when we got home since my family was in the kitchen. I suspect they had heard me singing until 5am and sobbing throughout the weekend, but they had not been supportive of my connection with Nat. My mom knew we were dating and refused to meet them and my dad I never spoke to about the nature of our relationship, but he told me not to invite people like Nat home (delinquents with tattoos, a septum piercing, and gauges according to him).

This said, I was not looking forward to interacting with family who may ask about all of my crying. I had told my mom I had planned to spend the next couple nights at a hotel with Nat, so I think she may have been able to deduce what happened, but regardless, when I did finally run into them on Monday evening, as expected, it was don’t ask, don’t tell and no one inquired about my emotional distress.

Three Days After the Breakup- going back to work

Monday morning, I woke up nauseous. I had been nauseous for a day or two at this point. I first noticed it brushing my teeth. Before the breakup I could scrub my tongue with the toothbrush a couple times before gagging, but now, I gag just trying to brush my back molars. It is awful and so far, has not gone away. I have been struggling to eat full meals and currently am lucky to eat one full meal daily and a couple snacks. There have been many times I am hungry but nauseous at the same time.

I find myself asking what’s the point or saying it doesn’t matter a lot recently. I was dreading the first day of work, unsure if I could make it through 6 patient appointments without breaking down as I had been randomly in the last few days. I told you Ivory’s cat has the same name, right? Well Ivory was chatting with her cat and used the name Nat over the weekend which sent me into an instant breakdown. I gasped between sobs that I knew her daughter had nicknamed her cat Nat, but pleaded if we could instead use Cat, short for the cat’s official name Cathulu (which no one actually used, even though years before I used to use Cat instead because it was easier to pronounce). Ivory agreed.

Thankfully my first three appointments of the day cancelled. I got lost reviewing the text messages Nat and I had sent each other since we began talking in April of this year. Yes, I scrolled all the way to the top. I would stop at random large blocks of text from either myself or them and felt enlightened at a lot of them. I noticed what we talked about, serious and not and how we related to each other. How interested we were in each other and when that faded. I confirmed that I had had doubts about this relationship since before we started it, and we have had conversations about difficult things between us the entire time. As I suspected a large part of the conversation on their side was about video games or sexual prompts while mine were about the breakup with Ivory or work stress.

This post is ridiculously long, and I gained so much insight from those four hours lost in our old condensations that I cannot type all of those out. However, suffice it to say that I was also able to see how Nat or I would bring up an issue or concern and how we both reassured each other or downplayed it and continued trying to work through it all to stay together. Eventually the conversations got shorter, I stopped spamming in the mornings before they woke up, stopped texting as much during work or in the evenings and now, today is the first day we have not texted at all.

We tried to go no contact back in April since I told them I needed to process the breakup with Ivory on my own and couldn’t do that with how excited I was to be getting to know them. That lasted about 48hours between April 14th to April 17th before we both caved. We were utterly drawn to each other. I posted on social media knowing they would see my stories to feel connected with them and ended up writing a, now heartbreaking, poem which I will post after this.

Somehow my three appointments with patients went fine yesterday. Even before the appointments I did not cry. It seems I am more emotionally numb by myself, but I am able to cry and express with Ivory or surrounded by strangers at the concert venue. I did sit on the couch by myself on Sunday morning to process my feelings and allow myself to cry, but just was not able to though.

Processing the Breakup Emotionally, Intellectually, and Vicerally

That numbness and social isolation is what I know happens when I am severely hurt/stressed, which is why the nausea and incessant crying are so scary and new to me. I found that the workday flowed better without the anxiety of waiting for texts back from Nat throughout the day. I felt the absence of the good morning text (which typically was me who sent the first one of the day) but in a way it felt freeing.

Often, I would text good morning before starting to see patients and either call or text after my last patient of the day. Without these routines, I was free. I did get increased anxiety when Nat texted to check in. (I had checked in on Sunday night). I would usually respond right away, but on Monday, I finished my short after work workout, did a meditation, drove home, and chatted with Ivory for a bit before answering the text (a full hour later).

I am afraid of talking to them like we are still together (that is something my first ex Jay accused me of after we broke up). I do not want to be clingy or needy. I was already so self conscious of that when we were together. I don’t know what the balance is yet with me caring about their well-being as a friend versus as when I was their partner. I worry, but I understand they are not my responsibility anymore. Heck, they never were. I tried to trust that they would take care of themselves, but I would worry and fret constantly and asked if they had eaten, or if they had been drinking how many drinks they had had etc.

One of the reasons Nat gave for breaking up with me was how I spoke of my friends like I was still in love with them, specifically Ivory and Chance and in contrast how they felt like I did not speak about them in the same admiring way. They are right, it had been a while since I gushed about them like I had in the beginning. I used to almost daily talk about how amazing, fascinating, and romantic they were when we first started talking. I remember sharing the first poem we created texting each other back and forth with my work friend and melting from them sending a voice clip of them singing to me. I had spoken of them in this way, but it had been a long time.

Excited for Friendship

I am excited and afraid to love them as a friend. If they accept my friendship, they will get to see what I meant when I rebutted that “I love big!” at the accusation that I was still in love with my friends. I hope to teach them what a healthy friendship looks like much like they taught me a lot about what being respected in a loving relationship looks like.

I don’t know what the future holds for us and truthfully, maybe it is nothing, but I really hope that is not the case. Like I told them the day after we broke up, “I fell in love with [their] soul” I believe we are meant to be in each other’s lives though long or short term I am not sure. I have faith in whatever capacity it ends up being is right.

I do think I am better as a friend than a romantic partner. As a friend I am supportive and interested and make an effort to keep in touch, but I am not as needy or clingy or anxious to keep the other person safe against all of life’s dangers. I trust people to be themselves, feel more secure in the friendships and am much more flexible with communication. I don’t take absence personal.

Allll of this said, I do not regret having gotten in a relationship with Nat. I am incredibly grateful for the love they showed me and the person they are. Especially now through the breakup process I am learning so much of myself and them. I see more of my flaws that I had not realized and patterns I had not recognized. Looking back, I also see so many things I respected and admired in Nat. Things overtime I took for granted but that I could have done much better to express and be vocally thankful for with them. I still love them, as I do all the people my soul touches.

What the Future Holds

Tomorrow is Wednesday. I told them I would drive out to their place on Saturday after a dentist appointment to grab my stuff. They offered me an air mattress and spare room if I would like to stay the night so I would not have to drive there and back the same day. I joked about asking to crash on Teresa’s couch.

Sorry, last thing. That was something they mentioned. How my work friends would say that they liked Nat because I listened to them (in making smarter life decisions like breaking up with Ivory) but they expressed frustration that I was not doing that recently, that I would not take their advice or suggestions with social relationships they considered I should be distant or no longer friends with like Teresa and Ivory. This is true. Not sure when it happened, but I did start to push back and my opinions and therefore actions became different at some point, which I was not aware drove such a wedge between us.

Okay, back to future plans. Nat offered the spare room but the day after we broke up, I was unsure if I would be able to make the trip on my own or if I would feel emotionally able to stay the night at their place. Now I feel like I can, and I am anxiously awaiting spending some time in person with them as a friend. Of course, I still have questions and want to continue to process the breakup as much as they are comfortable with them, but I think mostly…I want to make sure they are okay and coping as best as possible.

Those questions feel oddly intimate right now to ask (if they are eating and not drinking too much). I want to, if they are okay with hearing it, explain how I have been faring. Not sure why since they definitely saw how heartbroken I was in the day following our breakup. I guess I see it as further validation that the relationship meant a lot for me, and I want them to know that since it seemed they were unsure of my love and admiration for them.

Back to the Now

Anyway, it is 2:30AM and I have a cooking demo I have done no research for. I wonder if Nat will text tomorrow (I sent the last text yesterday) or respond to the social media things I have sent. I don’t want to reach out in case they need space. Hopefully we both have more clarity after we are in person. For now, personally, I have appreciated experiencing life without them.

It hurts when 10pm hits and it is time for our nightly call we had been doing for the past 8 months, but it is also exciting in a way. I have an extra hour (more if you count the other daily communication we were having). I wonder what I will fill the time with.

I gave Ivory a hard move out date of December 31st. Once she is gone, that is when this past year will really set in, I think. I will have more time, space, money and solitude. I will truly feel single. I know it will hurt since I really have not been able to process that breakup with how I was already together with Nat. Yet, I am excited to remember who I am without anyone else.