So You Know

Written November 4th 2024

Heyyy, so that last post is so rosy and wonderful and was like two weeks ago. A lot has happened (or rather, has not happened) in the past two weeks.

I am not doing well…. Again. I feel like I am barely hanging on which feels wrong because the last time I felt like this, I felt more justified in feeling this way, I was working in a hospital, seeing 15 patients a day or I was working in an ICU, working on research projects and heading a committee of specialists. Now I’m what? Seeing five people for an hour each on a busy day? In my own office with privacy to write notes and decompress after seeing patients instead of dealing with everything and still getting back to a shared office or worse, in a cubicle amongst many other dietitians. Why am I still as overwhelmed?

Starting and building small was great. It worked. But now I don’t know. I feel like I’m exaggerating how bad I feel mentally, but at the same time I feel like I am about to have a mental breakdown like I have not had before. Usually I can push through and focus on the goal to pick myself up and keep going or find someone to live for. But now…. I was living for her. I continue to worry and care and fret and try to help, but I broke up with her because I knew it was not sustainable and because it was hurting me to stress about both of our wellbeing so much.

But you don’t know how little that means when my life feels meaningless.

I don’t know how to navigate my feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and things I don’t even want to admit to myself that happened (or didn’t happen). I don’t know how to continue living when I haven’t wanted to for years. And I see her suffering from the same or different, but just as bad or worse things and I feel judgemental for feeling like I have to prod her to get her to do anything. But the truth of the matter is I don’t want to live this life without her either. But I also know she is not what I need. She is what I want. Someone to care for who will accept my help and my love and allow me to live for her, until (if ever) I learn to live for myself.

I don’t know what I am doing. But I no longer want to do it in public eye. I have to sit in front of people every work day and help them figure out how to make their lives a little bit better in regards to food. I feel so incompetent. I want a job that I can do and be done with. Not one where I will never feel I am enough in. To some people I am an expert in my field, to others I am worse than google. I am so tired of feeling like I have to prove my worth and that I am not able to. No one is telling me I am not doing a good job, on the contrary, but I can’t shake the feeling of incompetence. I want a job where it is undeniable that I am doing it, whether good or bad. More warehouse, was the task done instead of emotional motivational and intellectual combined. I don’t know how I continue in this career. It is fulfilling, but it is so overwhelming.  I don’t know how much longer I can do this work or live. I want to give up, but I know how much harder it is to get back up than to keep going.

I am still in the process of getting back up from the last time I gave up on myself. Last time I gave up on myself, I gained 50 pounds from stress, terrible eating habits, and lack of any kind of physical activity. I still hate being seen and touched and don’t want to get back into the health scares that I was previously going through. I want to be well if I am meant to continue living. At the end of the day it is not a choice I will make- to live or not. I am here for only a blip of time and I will not conciously cut that short no matter how often I have days that desire a blank void free of thoughts and emotion.

This is such a waste of time, I just need to work on my patient notes and go home. My therapist told me to write. But I don’t think there is a solution to how I feel or who I am.