So You Know

Well, it’s been a minute since that last blog post promising you all that I have had some kind of breakthrough instead of my usual breakdowns.

What have I actually been working on?

Food. Exercise. Sleep. These have been the main categories. Plus, I finally started therapy again.

Food

The food thing has really been what I mentioned in the last post. Making that better choice no matter how small that better has been. Which at this point in time has included a meal kit I purchase for myself weekly with four recipes (I have been cooking Monday to Thursday evenings after work for the last three weeks). Having a set dinner and lunch for the work week has done wonders. I work 9hrs plus have an hour-long break, so I am physically at work for at least 10hrs Monday through Thursday while Friday is a half day where I am at work for five hours total or four hours if I do not stay for lunch. Being at work for ten hours most of the work week, I quickly realized lunch wouldn’t tide me over until I got home. Now that I have had lunch packed from the meal kit I made the night before, it made my mornings easier and I have been able to pack a generally healthy snack instead of depending on my office snack stash (usually some almonds, protein bars, wheat crackers, hummus or goat cheese) which, when diminished would turn into whatever I could find at the little convenience store at the hospital I work at. Usually much less balanced like hot chips and queso.

Part of that change has been shorter grocery trips once per week. Instead of worrying about all the groceries for meals throughout the week, I have just been intentionally snack shopping, usually consisting of replenishing the office snack stash and extras I prep and pack like fruit, yogurt, etc. I do hope to wean off meal kits eventually, since personally, I enjoy meal planning and looking for new recipes to try, but to start, I recognized that it has been a long time since I cooked for just myself, so I am using meal kits to build the habit of cooking with the least up front effort possible. For the past three years I have been worried about feeding myself and my now ex-girlfriend. It was overwhelming even with her urging me not to worry so much about making sure it was something she would like. Simply cooking for another human being is double the work. Cooking for one (I have been cooking two servings at a time to have leftovers for lunch the next day) has been marvelous. I am enjoying cooking again.

Exercise

This one has waxed and waned. I want to work on running, biking, and swimming plus strength training like I used to. I started this time around with swimming since I enjoy it the most, but I am self-conscious of lap swimming since I know I do not have the endurance for a continuous workout. So, just to get in the water I have been mostly doing water aerobics about once every week or two for the past two months. I want to say I’ve gone at least once per week 5 out of the past 8 weeks. At most I have swam 10 minutes before the water aerobics, but truthfully, I have fallen off the wagon with this. The only class I can go to with my work schedule has been on Saturday mornings and I tend to travel or have my partner visit from out of town every other week, so that has made consistency difficult.

To have a more consistent schedule I have changed my work schedule to start at 11am on Wednesdays (11am to 8pm working through lunch). That will give me one day weekly, regardless of travel that I am able to go swim whether I brace the lap swimming or decide to do water aerobics. I’m trying to be easier on myself. Right now, my goal is just getting in the water, however that happens, once per week. That’s more than when I started and was too nervous to even go to the water aerobics class. As far as other exercises, I had the plan to exercise for 30 minutes every morning, but without being the most consistent on the sleep schedule, I tend to let myself rest before work. Instead, I have been very flexible with working out. I gauge how I feel after work and ask myself if there is anything I want to do before going home. At first when I started cooking, the answer was no the entire first week since I was worried about having time to cook.

Truthfully, this is the first week the answer has been yes more than once. Monday, I went to the gym and did half a strength training circuit (30 minutes instead of my usual hour) Wednesday I walked/ran on the treadmill at the gym for 20 minutes and Thursday I went on a 20-minute walk at the park. None of this was planned which for me is wild. None of the workouts were long enough by my usual standards (1 hour strength training sessions and 30-minute cardio sessions are what I typically plan for), but if I had beat myself up about that and decided to not do anything because it wouldn’t be the standard duration then I would have missed out on three workouts. I still have to figure out how to have more fun. I like the results of the strength training when I have done it in the past but have enjoyed calisthenics more than weight machines, so I may get my weight bench out of the shed and plan to start this again in the near future.

As far as cardio, I tried to stop myself from running because I am well aware that running at my current weight, while I have lost a bit of weight this year since the breakup (less eating fast food, less stress, etc) I know it can still put unneeded pressure on my joints. But, gosh do I miss running. I only ran two quarter mile segments of that short treadmill workout, but gosh do I miss it. I was surprised it wasn’t as difficult as I remembered. Likely due to the weight loss compared to the last time I ran, but that was such a nice realization. I’m excited to run more though I will be cautious and try not to do so too often. I actually think I would want to focus on distance instead of time when I intend to run or walk. One mile. That’s 20 minutes walking, 15 minutes or less running and walking. It’s something I feel like I have time for most days that will make me feel accomplished if I run and won’t drag on if I don’t.

Biking is the last thing and really… it’s my lazy exercise at this time. If I don’t feel like doing anything it feels the easiest (because I am not using a racing bike or spin bike right now making it a comfy seated exercise). So, it feels okay to view it that way- the do anything workout. Especially since my brother has a bike desk in the living room pretty much always available at home.

Lastly, I did a dance workout on the Nintendo Switch last Friday when (very rare) my whole family was out of the house. I’m too self-conscious to do it with other people home. I enjoy dancing as a workout and hope I might be able to do this in the room I continue to share with my ex (whenever she goes to work) or that I can go to Zumba after work if I am feeling up to it. We shall see. Right now, my only goal is to get in the water once per week and ask myself if I feel up to doing 10-20 minutes of exercise after work.

Sleep

This one has been difficult, but currently the plan is to go to bed by 11:30 and wake up by 6:30. It has been closer to bed by midnight and wake by 7am, but either way, I’m averaging six and a half to seven hours of sleep. Now that I am not planning on doing exercise in the morning, this actually works well. Since I have been cooking and preparing for work the night before my mornings are not as rushed. It usually takes me a half hour to have breakfast, pack my lunch and snack and get ready for work, which gets me to work 45 minutes before my first patient for the day.

Before this week I had started doing 5-10 minutes of yoga before starting to review patient charts of the day, which was grounding and I really enjoyed, so I plan to do that again next week (this past week I had a student observing me, so I did not prioritize the yoga). Speaking of grounding, I had also been meditating after my last patient of the day (before shifting to finishing patient notes and wrapping up for the workday) which I may or may not start doing again. I haven’t decided if I would enjoy this more before or after finishing patient notes though it is a great way to decompress from hours of talking to fellow human beings and helps me to refocus on new work.

Overall

Therapy has been helpful. Just like my own field of (nutrition) counseling, I am aware it really does come down to basics, but something about having someone there to see me, really see me, and encourage me to keep building on even the smallest progress has made the biggest difference. Right now, I am focusing on flexibility and joy. Doing what I can and forgiving myself for what I do not. Sounds simple, but it is so freakin’ hard.

Heck the first three weeks of therapy were just about noticing how mean I am to myself and challenging those thoughts. For example, if I felt bad and incapable about something and called myself stupid for it, I would reframe it as, “that was difficult, but I know what to work on now and know I can do better next time”. Honestly my first reframes were all about what I got through despite feeling so anxious or stressed or sad or whatever it was or about having potential when I did not feel like I did anything right in the moment. Thankfully, after two months, these reframes are not nearly as often. I have started to see that potential I used to only talk about play out and that makes me hopeful for what I can and will do to make my life better and closer to how I wish to live it.

That’s it. Just boring inching forward every week. 🙂